#Dazai masking his pain keeps me up at night | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

moomuzan · 27 days ago

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— 𝖌𝖔𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖙𝖔𝖔 𝖋𝖆𝖗

they physically hurt you during an argument , dazai , chuuya , akutagawa , angst , requested

As the fight spiraled into chaos, every word seemed like a jagged shard, cutting both of you open. Dazai stood before you, his expression carefully constructed, a facade of calm that only amplified the storm raging in the room. His words were like knives, precise and cold, but you had learned how to endure them. Or so you thought.

“You think you’re better than this?” he snapped, his voice laced with something darker, more desperate. “Better than me? You don’t even know what you’ve gotten yourself into. You’re so naïve it’s pathetic.”

“Maybe I am,” you shot back, voice trembling but resolute. “But at least I feel something real, Dazai. At least I’m not hiding behind masks and games like you.”

For a moment, the room fell silent, the weight of your words settling between you. His jaw clenched, his hands twitching at his sides. You could see it—the storm breaking through his carefully curated demeanor, the anger and fear he so often buried rising to the surface.

And then, like a thunderclap, it happened.

While his hands moved faster than his mind, shoving you back, his frustration snapped into action. The force wasn’t calculated—it never was—but it sent you stumbling into the wall with a sickening thud. Pain shot up your back, sharp and immediate, and for a moment, the air was knocked clean out of your lungs.

Defeating, merely silence followed.

As if they were still grappling with the weight of what they’d done, his outstretched hands trembled. His eyes widened, the usual nonchalance stripped away to reveal something raw, something terrified.

Hoarse, he whispered your name, his voice cracking under the weight of it all. You pressed a hand to your ribs, wincing as you steadied yourself against the wall. The ache in your side was sharp, but it was nothing compared to the heaviness in your chest, the realization that this—this person, this moment—was no longer safe.

“Don’t touch me,” you managed, your voice trembling, not with anger but with something more fragile.

“I didn’t mean to,” The man said, his words tumbling out in a desperate rush. “I swear, I didn’t mean—”

“You didn’t mean it?” you interrupted, the words bitter as they left your mouth. “You never mean it, Dazai. But that doesn’t stop it from happening, does it?”

Dazai‘s hands fell to his sides, his shoulders slumping as if the weight of your words physically struck him. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. For once, Dazai Osamu—the man who always had a plan, a clever retort, a way out—was speechless.

“I can’t keep doing this,” you said, your voice breaking. “I can’t keep forgiving you for the ways you hurt me, for the ways you make me doubt myself. Love isn’t supposed to feel like this.”

In a matter of seconds his expression shattered then, the mask slipping completely. He looked like a man on the edge of something vast and terrible, his usual bravado gone, replaced by a desperation that made your heart ache.

“You can’t leave me,” he whispered, the words barely audible, as if saying them louder might break him entirely. “Please. I don’t know how to do this without you.”

Tears spilling down your cheeks as you stepped toward the door, you whispered: “You don’t know how to love, Dazai.”

He sank to his knees then, his head bowing low as if he were trying to disappear into the floor. “I’m sorry,” he choked out, his voice raw and broken. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to be anything but this. But I love you. God, I love you.”

You froze at the door, your hand gripping the handle so tightly your knuckles turned white. For a moment, you thought about turning back, about kneeling down beside him and telling him that love could be enough, that it could save you both.

But it couldn’t.

“I love you too,” you said quietly, your voice shaking. “But sometimes, love isn’t enough to fix the damage.”

Opening the door, you stepped out into the cold night, the sound of it closing behind you echoing like a gunshot.

Dazai stayed where he was, his body trembling, his hands clutching at the floor as if it were the only solid thing left in his world. The apartment was silent now, save for the sound of his ragged breathing.

He stayed there for hours, alone in the dark, his mind replaying every moment, every mistake, every crack that had led to this. And when the sun rose, spilling light into the room, it illuminated nothing but the hollow emptiness he’d tried so hard to avoid.

In the end, he realized, it wasn’t you he’d been trying to save. It was himself. And now, he had lost both.

The argument had begun as a flicker of irritation, something small enough that it could have been smothered if either of you had tried. But neither of you did. It grew, feeding on unspoken frustrations, on misunderstandings too deeply buried to untangle in the heat of the moment.

Lit only by the glow of the streetlights filtering through the blinds, the apartment was dim. Chuuya stood in the middle of the room, his fists clenched at his sides, his chest rising and falling with shallow, ragged breaths. His hat had been tossed carelessly onto the couch, his hair disheveled from running his hands through it in frustration.

“I’m trying to keep you safe!” he shouted, his voice reverberating off the walls.

“You’re not listening to me!” you snapped back, your own voice trembling with the weight of the argument. “You never listen, Chuuya! You think you can decide everything for me, like I don’t have a say in my own life!”

He turned sharply, his blue eyes blazing with a mix of anger and desperation. “You don’t understand what it’s like out there! You don’t know what these people are capable of! I’m doing this for you!”

“For me?” You let out a bitter laugh, tears stinging your eyes. “You’re doing this because you can’t let go of your own fears! You’re so used to fighting everyone else’s battles that you can’t see I’m not the enemy!”

Chuuya’s jaw tightened, the muscles in his face twitching as he tried to rein in the storm inside him. But the storm was relentless, and it spilled out before he could stop it.

“You don’t get it,” he growled, his voice low and dangerous. “You have no idea what it’s like to carry this kind of weight—to know that one wrong move could mean losing the only person you—”

Though he cut himself off, his voice faltering, the damage was already done. The silence that followed was heavy, oppressive, and it pressed down on both of you like a tangible force.

Taking a step back, your hands trembled at your sides. “I’m not a child, Chuuya. I don’t need you to control every part of my life. I just need you to trust me.”

“Trust you?” His voice rose again, sharp and cutting. “How am I supposed to trust you when you keep putting yourself in danger? Do you think I can just stand by and watch you get hurt?”

As his anger filled every corner, the room felt like it was shrinking, the walls closing in. He moved closer, his movements sharp and unsteady, and before you could step away, his hand shot out and grabbed your wrist.

The grip wasn’t meant to hurt—it was meant to stop you, to hold you in place, to make you listen. But it was too tight, too rough, and the heat of his frustration burned through his touch.

“Chuuya,” you said softly, your voice shaking. “Let go.”

But he didn’t. His fingers tightened slightly, his knuckles white as his grip mirrored the storm raging inside him. He was too far gone, too consumed by his own emotions to realize what he was doing.

“Why can’t you just—” His voice cracked, and he stopped, his words hanging in the air like broken glass.

You tried to pull away, but his grip held firm, and panic began to rise in your chest. Memories you had buried deep began to surface, unbidden and cruel.

A voice from your past, cold and unyielding. “You think you can just walk away? You’ll never be free of this. Never.”

Colliding with the past in a whirlwind of fear and pain, the room around you blurred. Your breaths came faster, shallow and uneven, and the tears you had been holding back spilled over, streaming down your cheeks.

“Chuuya,” you whispered, your voice breaking. “Please.”

The sound of your voice—cracked, pleading—broke through the fog of his anger. His eyes widened, and for a moment, he froze, as though realizing for the first time what he was doing.

“Shit,” he muttered, his voice barely audible. He released your wrist as though it had burned him, stepping back as if the distance could erase the moment.

Though you cradled your wrist against your chest, your body trembling as you tried to steady your breathing, the fear lingered, a shadow that refused to be banished.

Softly, he called out your name, his voice thick with regret. “I—fuck, I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t—”

Yet, you didn’t answer. You couldn’t. The words caught in your throat, strangled by the whirlwind of emotions swirling inside you.

Chuuya’s hands hovered in the air, unsure whether to reach for you or keep his distance. His eyes, usually so fierce and determined, were filled with something you had never seen before—fear.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, the words barely audible. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

Bluntly, you looked up at him then, your eyes filled with tears, and for the first time, he saw the crack in your armor—the vulnerability you had always tried so hard to hide. And it broke him.

He sank to his knees in front of you, his head bowed, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. “I’m a fucking idiot,” he muttered, his voice trembling. “I never wanted to hurt you. I—” He stopped, his words failing him, and he let out a shaky breath.

“I don’t know how to do this,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t know how to love someone without breaking them.”

As you watched him, your heart ached at the sight of him so utterly wrecked. And despite everything, despite the fear and the pain, you found yourself reaching out, your hand brushing against his cheek.

Looking up at you then, his eyes were filled with anguish, and for a moment, the storm between you seemed to quiet.

“Chuuya,” you said softly, your voice still trembling. “We can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep—”

“I know,” he said quickly, cutting you off. “I know, and I swear, I’ll do better. I’ll be better. Just—don’t walk away. Please.”

The desperation in his voice broke something inside you, and you nodded, though you weren’t sure if it was forgiveness or hope or something in between.

But as he pulled you into his arms, his grip careful and gentle this time, you couldn’t help but wonder if the cracks in your relationship were too deep to mend. And in the quiet of the room, as the storm finally subsided, you both realized that love wasn’t always enough to fix what had already been broken.

Always being harsh, Akutagawa’s words were sharp enough to wound, his presence suffocating like a shadow that never left your side. He wasn’t kind, not in the way others might be, but he cared in his own jagged, brutal way—protecting you with the same ferocity he used to destroy. You were his tether, his calm amidst the storm of his life in the Mafia, the one person who softened the edges of his wrath. But even tethers could fray, and that day on the battlefield, everything unraveled.

Unraveling so, the fight was chaos, the kind of chaos Akutagawa thrived in. His Rashoumon tore through enemies like paper, his focus deadly, precise. You stood at his side, as you always did, fighting with everything you had to survive in a world that rarely spared you kindness. But the enemy was relentless, and the tide of the battle began to shift.

“Stay back!” he barked, his voice cutting through the noise. His tone was sharp, impatient, but beneath it lay something unspoken—a thread of fear he refused to acknowledge.

“I can handle this!” you shot back, your determination blazing in your eyes.

Yet Akutagawa’s patience, already worn thin by the heat of battle, snapped. “You’re a liability,” he snarled, Rashoumon lashing out in a violent arc, meant to clear the way and shield you from the enemy closing in.

He miscalculated.

Instead, the tendrils of his power struck you, slicing through flesh and bone, sending you crumpling to the ground with a scream that cut through the battlefield like a blade. Blood pooled beneath you, stark against the dirt, and Akutagawa froze, the world narrowing to the sight of your broken body lying in the wreckage of his mistake.

Afterwards, the fight ended in a blur, your enemies retreating as the full weight of his actions crashed down on him. He dropped to his knees beside you, his hands trembling as he reached out, unsure if he even had the right to touch you now. “Stay awake,” he ordered, his voice unsteady, the fear breaking through. “Don’t you dare close your eyes.”

Coughing weakly, blood stained your lips as you looked up at him, pain and betrayal flickering in your gaze. “You… you did this,” you whispered, your voice barely audible.

Akutagawa’s chest tightened, his breath catching as the truth of your words settled over him like a noose. He did this. To you. To the one person he swore to protect above all else.

The weeks that followed were a blur of pain and silence. You survived, but the scars—both visible and invisible—ran deep. You couldn’t look at him the same way, flinching when he raised his voice, shrinking away when his hands moved too quickly.

Trying to fix it in his own way— he muttered cold apologies under his breath, offers to train you harder so you wouldn’t need his protection, promises he didn’t know how to keep. But nothing worked. The damage was done.

One night, the tension broke.

“You don’t trust me anymore,” he said, his voice low but laced with a bitterness that cut through the room.

Slowly, you turned to him, your eyes tired, your body still healing from wounds he had inflicted. “How could I?” you replied, your voice trembling. “You’re supposed to protect me, Ryuunosuke. Not—” Your voice broke, and you looked away, unable to finish.

For a moment, he said nothing, his jaw clenched so tightly it hurt. Then, with a voice that was quieter than you’d ever heard, he said, “I know.”

And he did know. He knew the pain he caused, the fear that lingered in your eyes whenever you looked at him now. He knew he had crossed a line he could never uncross.

Knowing didn’t make it easier. It didn’t make the silence between you any less deafening, or the nights spent alone any less cold. It didn’t stop him from replaying that moment over and over in his mind, the sight of you bleeding because of him seared into his memory like a brand.

He still loved you, but love wasn’t enough to undo what he had done. It wasn’t enough to erase the fear in your eyes or the distance growing between you. And now, as he stood in the shadows, watching you from afar as you tried to rebuild yourself, he wondered if it would have been kinder to let you go entirely.

Yet, Akutagawa didn’t know kindness. He only knew how to hold on, even when it hurt. Even when it was the last thing he deserved.

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heliosunny · 24 days ago

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Yandere!Fyodor x Reader

I took a liking to this man recently so bear with me ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿ Promise I'll write one for Dazai soon.

The step-mother who once wore a mask of kindness revealed her true nature after your father passed away.

"Y/n!!!!! Get down here!" The woman adorned in luxurious fabrics and expensive jewels screamed your name at the top of her lungs. You were cleaning the messed she caused you earlier that morning.

I'm thirsty! Go make me a drink - the elder woman demanded, tossing you orders like you were nothing but a servant. Dutifully, you got her a glass of orange juice, only for her to knock it to the floor, watching it shatter without so much as a sip. Now, you carefully pick up the sharp fragments, trying not to cut yourself.

Her voice rang out again, shrill and impatient. You replied reluctantly, fully aware that hearing your name from her lips rarely brought anything good "Yes, I'm coming!"

Descending the stairs, you were greeted by an unfamiliar man seated on the couch sipping tea while speaking to your stepmother. The moment his eyes - cold and calculating met yours, a chill ran down your spine. Something was off.

Behind him stood two soldiers, their presence exuding quiet menance. Without warning, at his signal, they raised their weapons and shot your stepmother dead before your eyes.

"Y/n.." The man said, stepping forward. His uniform bores an air of authority, and his eyes, a piercing shade of violet, seemed to see right through you. "I need your ability." You stared at him with question. What ability? You have one?

You avoided his eyes and stared back where the corpse of your stepmother was. The man moved in your direction to keep your eyes on him. "You didn't know? Your father was a honorable man, yet he told you nothing?" You shook your head, stunned.

He sighed, almost amused "My my... You have the power to predict the near future, Y/n. Now that I've freed you from.." his gaze flicked to the corpse "whoever that was to you. I want you to work for me." Suprisingly, you agreed.

The man introduced himself as Fyodor Dostoevsky. He was straightforward, almost unsettlingly so. He admitted having prepared several ways to persuade you, but things had turned out far easier than he anticipated.

As your childhood home burnt to the ground, You felt little attachment to the ashes left behind. Without your father, it had never truly felt like home.

┈┈┈┈

"Now that you're with me, I'll teach you to use your ability." Fyodor said, his lips curling to a smile as he lead you to a room in his mansion. The place was old, its hallways cracks and worn, yet some rooms looked oddly well-maintained. The moment you sat on your bed, a strange sensation overtook you. Pain pierces your skull like a hammer blow, your nose bled, and your body collapsed. You fainted.

When you open your eyes, the first thing you saw was Fyodor sitting by your bedside. "Ah, you're awake. How do you feel?"

"Much better", you replied, though your voice was quiet and hesitant. "Good, rest." His hand gently patting your head. Suspicious of his kindness, you put his hand away and backed of a little. "You said you need my ability, what for?" For a moment, he was silent, simply staring at you with those unnerving eyes. That act creeps you out. Then, he stood and turned toward the door. "You'll find out soon enough." Before leaving, he added "You'll understand."

That night, sleep evaded you. Creaking footsteps echoed from above and around your room. A constant reminder of guards patrolling the mansion. Your mind raced with questions about Fyodor. Cruelty seemed second nature to him. After all, he had ordered your stepmother's death without hesitation.

A voice suddenly whispered from the windows "Shh, over here!" You turned, startled to see a man with white hair and a distinctive fringe. "I'm here to save you, open the window!"

"Save me?" You murmured to yourself, wondered.

┈┈┈┈

The story started to unfold as you encountered Atsushi and the men he mentioned to be detectives from Armed Detective Agency, your ability leading you to dangerous visions and even more dangerous choices.

"So she fled?" Fyodor stood in your room questioning the two guards, eyes scanning the whole place. "W-we didn't hear any sound.. sir- --khoff-" The one who was answering him cough up blood and drop dead soon after, leaving the other trembled in fear. "FIND HER!" Fyodor ordered.

Suddenly, a vision flashed in front of your eyes, you saw Fyodor. "STOP!!" You screamed, frightened Atsushi who was rushing through the bushes. He then stopped. He knew you saw something, as your ability is unstable, he didn't know when it will happen, yet it's better to be cautious. Fyodor is no man to joke with.

And so You returned. On your own.

Fyodor didn't even have to go, you're already here. "What did you see that changed your mind?"

"A lot" you replied "and definitely not worth risking the lives of others." By 'a lot', you mean there will literally be mountains of corpses. You got a hint of his nature and it was wrong for you to follow him back here, but he freed you from that wicked woman. You have mixed feelings about him. Fyodor signaled you to come closer to where he sits. You followed, he pulled you in. "Don't worry, You are in good care."

┈┈┈┈

Months passed. The bond between you and Fyodor grew more complicated. He exploited your ability ruthlessly, yet showed an inexplicable tenderness towards you. His touch lingered, his words carry a weight you couldn't ignore, and his gaze seemed to pierce in your very soul.

The only drawback to using your ability was the toll it took on your body. Prolonged use often left you feverish and drained.

Today was one of those days. You lay sprawled in your bed, feeling as though every ounce of strength had left your body. It was nearly impossible to even lift a finger.

"Y/n! Time to take your medicine." Fyodor called as he pushed the door open. Since aligning yourself with him, you had become something of a criminal, constantly moving from one safe house to another. You had long lost count of how many places you'd stayed in. Fyodor often leaves you behind, disappearing for meetings or visits to members of his mysterious organization. He never shares the details of his plans, brushing off your curiosity with a dismissive "It doesn't concern you."

Now as he sat beside you, you couldn't help but feel conflicted. You'd seen firsthand how easily he sacrificed others, treating them as pawns in his schemes. So why did he bother taking care of you with such apparent concern?

"Y/n, what are you thinking about?" He asked, his piercing eyes scanning your face. You shook your head weakly, unable to answer. He sighed and helped you sit up, his hands steady yet firm. "Your temperature is no joke, can you take this on your own?"

Before you could respond, another vision overwhelmed you. A sudden flash of Fyodor mercilessly killing the members of ADA. Blood, screams and lifeless bodies filled your mind, and it was enough to make your stomach churns. You had only encountered Atsushi and others a handful of times, but their kindness had left an impression. You couldn't bear the thought of them meeting such a cruel fate.

"Y/n! Y/n!" Fyodor's voice broke through the fog of your vision. "Huh..?" Your consciousness wavered as you turned your head towards him. The dizziness hit you like a wave, and you nearly collapsed into his arms. For a brief moment, you thought you saw worry flicker across his face. That couldn't be right, Fyodor, worried? It had to be your imagination.

Without a word, he placed the pills into your mouth. Then, to your surprise, he drank water from the glass and passed it to you through a kiss. You were too weak to resist, and before you could process the intimacy of the act, the medicine was already working its way down your throat.

By the next morning, your fever had broken, and you felt noticeably better. You left your room quietly, your curiosity pulling you toward Fyodor's study. He was asleep, his usual composed expression softened in slumber. You hesitated, unsure whether to disturb him, but the stack of papers on his desk caught your attention. Creeping closer, you skimmed the documents. Your breathe hitched. Among the papers were detailed accounts of your father's death, your personal profile and outlines of Fyodor's larger plans.

And then there were the pills, your medicine. The documents revealed that their side effects weren't a natural result of using your ability but something he had engineered.

"Enjoying yourself, curious cat?" The low, mocking voice made your heart stop.

Before you could react, Fyodor was behind you. His hands pinned you to the desk, his tall frame casting a shadow over you.

"You..." the words caught in your throat. You were powerless, frozen under his control.

He leaned down, his breath warm against your neck as he inhaled deeply. "What a shame, I had hoped you would find those later," he murmured, his voice tinged with disappointment. Without warning, pain seared through you as his teeth sank into your neck. You gasped, the sensation both shocking and terrifying.

"I suppose I'll have to accelerate my plans" He said, pulling back to meet your wide-eyed stare. His fingers tilted your chin up, forcing you to look at him "I've given you everything you wanted, haven't I, Y/n?"

Your gaze dropped to his chest, unwilling to meet his piercing eyes. "Yes.." you whispered.

"Good." His voice softened, almost tender. "Then from today onward, you'll give me what I want."

#yandere bsd #bsd #bsd fyodor #fyodor dostoyevsky bsd #fyodor x reader #bsd x you #yandere x reader #bsd x reader

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alchemicon · 1 year ago

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Who is your favorite character from bsd?

Hello!!! GREAT question hahahahahaha (pretending this question doesn't keep me up at night). i have a few to say the least. Here's them in random order (except for dazai)

-Osamu Dazai: for me dazai is like a life changing character. I can confidently say he changed my brain structure and chemistry permanently. maybe it's how he struggles with being genuinely good and how hard he tries. maybe it's how he masks his inner turmoil with a clown facade. maybe it's because, despite all the grief and all the pointlessness he sees in life, he tries so hard to stay alive, to do good and to honor the promise he made to his friend. he's a character that was written for people like me, he's a babygirl, i want to hug him and i want to see him suffer and i want to study him under a microscope

-Sakunosuke Oda: i was really drawn to him in the anime but what cemented him as one of my favourites was reading the dark era ln. His internal monologue is so bizarre and whimsical and genuinely funny and so charming. I'm enamored with him and i understand why dazai loved him as much as he did as well. In the end I really love a well executed tragedy too and oda's story is a beautiful tragedy.

-Nikolai Gogol: guess i have a thing for entps being one myself but I'm head over heels for kolya. I've genuinely never seen a character like him before. he's so unpredictable and while he's seemingly unhinged and violent, i think the glimpses of the person behind that behaviour are fascinating. I genuinely consider his interaction with atsushi where he tells him that he has guilt and feels emotions just like everybody else and how he craves freedom, one of the best character moments in the whole manga tbh. His character design is beautiful too, very hard not to love

-Ryonousuke Akutagawa: there's so much pain in akutagawa, it is impossible for me to not like him. he's so lost, so far away from the path of the light. he begins by trying to prove himself to dazai and he's so so hurt and so alone. and he finds atsushi... their rp is the heart and lungs and soul of the manga I'm so serious about this. and specifically the way they influence eachother to become better versions of themselves. akutagawa being the only one atsushi can be the most genuine version of himself with. the way he honors his promise to not kill anyone until their fight. his character is still developing and I'm SEATED to watch it all the way which also brings me to .....

-Atsushi Nakajima: i adore atsushi. I've never seen such a raw and visceral portrayal of trauma, the long term consequences it comes with and the issues it leaves people with. he feels worthless and insecure and we see how much this impacts him. he deals with things that are considered scary and he's just a great example of the fact that mental illness affects primarily the people who have it and doesn't cause them to be violent or whatever ( the fact that he canonically hallucinates is also so so so important i just love these things about his character). Same thing as aku, his rp w aku is the heart and soul of bsd as a story. I specifically love how he impacts aku in such a positive way, but also how we see his more snappy and sassy side with aku that he usually hides from others. Lovely protagonist too, atsushi you will always be famous

-Chuuya Nakahara: i love chuuya to death. Like it's concerning sometimes. I used to be a bit unsettled by him because i couldn't understand how a person like him who seems like a person with morals and loyalty and so much love in him, ended up in the horrific world of the mafia. And then i read fifteen and stormbringer. And my heart broke for this boy. I'm rooting for him to find another path tbh but idk how that will go. He's made for the world of the light and I'll die on this hill. Soukoku is also like a brain chemistry altering ship. The way they trust each other and the way they bicker like an old couple and the way he brings out dazai's protective side (stormbringer rooftop scene and fifteen arcade scene you'll always be famous). Chuuya is a storm, you can't look away, he's so beautiful and I'm just as obsessed with him as dazai is. Just like everything else i really love how he isn't scared to call dazai out on his bs, how kind he is to aku and how much he cares about people. It's so hard not to love chuuya

-Sigma: I'm still waiting for more information to be revealed about sigma but from what I've seen he's up there with the rest of them. He's similar to atsushi in some regards which makes him easily lovable to me. He also regards himself lowly because he believes that amongst these superhumans around him, he's painfully average and ordinary. That's a very relatable sentiment even if you're not surrounded be people with superpowers. Combined with the fact that he's desperately looking for a place to belong, it's so hard not to love sigma. I really hope he gets to join the agency, that would be wonderful for his character.

Thanks for the question and sorry for dumping all of this on you!

#bsd #ask tag #dazai #chuuya #akutagawa ryonosuke #atsushi nakajima #nikolai #sigma #odasaku

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emi-simps · 3 years ago

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Some random soft headcannons I have about Osamu Dazai with his s/o:

Cw: mentions sex one time in the first point, mentions of stims/stimming in the third, mentions of menstrual cycle in the twelfth, anxiety mention in the thirteenth

If you find any of these ooc or don’t like them, that’s fine, block me, these are too make me and others who need it happy 😊

Dazai absolutely lives for like the most domestic acts of intimacy. Like after you shaved your legs(if you shave) he’d absolutely apply lotion for you, washing your hair in the shower, you washing his. He wants too shower together not too have shower sex (although he won’t turn it down) but for the intimacy

He adores if you do a lil happy dance in your seat when you eat your favorite foods

If you stim, most importantly happy stims, he loves them. But if they’re stims related too negative emotions he does his best too help

Always makes sure you have a cup of water (or if you’re like me, your water bottle is full) by your bed when you sleep so if you wake up it’s already there

If he notices your shoe is untied before you do, he absolutely bends down and ties it himself

If you have a specific order at a restaurant he knows it by heart

On nights he can’t sleep he likes too watch you sleep and the rise and fall of your chest so he knows you’re okay

If you wear perfume/cologne he knows which types you gravitate more towards and will buy the ones you like

He loves hand holding and cuddling

If you happen to doze off on the ADAs couch he’ll wordlessly either place a blanket or his coat over you too keep you warm and then go back too his work/annoying Kunikida

Loves making pinky promises and kissing them too seal it

If you are the owner of a uterus he knows when that time of the month is coming and preps for it, makes sure your pads/tampons, stocked on your usual cravings, and pain meds

If you have anxiety, he is very in-tuned and will realize very quickly if whatever you’re doing that’s causing your anxiety too flair up is becoming too much and will either distract you or pull you away from it

Loves watching cartoons with you in the mornings if you’re into that

It’s a personal belief of mine that he can cook and cook well so he absolutely will make your fave and on mornings where you are free from the ADA he’ll make you breakfast in bed

Absolutely loves doing face masks and self care nights with you if you’re into that

Will have pillow fights with you. I don’t make the rules, he loves the way your giggles bounce off the walls

If it’s just the two of you and he has access he’ll play bongos on your butt

#osamu dazai #osamu dazai x reader #bungo stray dogs headcanons #bungo stray dogs imagines #bungo stray dogs x reader #dazai x reader #dazai x you #dazai x y/n #emi.simps #emis.thotsondazai

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xo-cuteplosion-xo · 4 years ago

Text

Unrequited love

I should be working on comfort requests-

Instead, I have two ideas that kept me awake last night cause I apparently like to make Dazai suffer.

Angst (Idk kinda?)

Words: 1491

Unrequited love |Dazai x Reader x Chuuya|

Shadows loomed over the night, coating the starless sky. The light provided by street lamps left the deeper down into the alleyways. Cold winds blew past, ruffling the black mafioso coat, the symbol of death. The familiar crimson dripped from the barrel of the mafioso's gun. As it landed the blood crystallized into beautiful roses, courtesy from his partner. Normally there would be three of them. A devil, a demon, and a god. When the three worked together there wasn’t anything they couldn’t do, alone they were just as strong. The devil, as most people in the underworld called him, placed the gun back on its hold. He looked back at the demon with no expression, only jolting his head to the side. Even in the dim light, they were memorized by the devil. Perhaps that’s why they were the demon. What else could love the devil? A man so cruel he held no mercy, not for his co-workers, his enemies, he had nothing to spare. Some pity him, an executive at such a young age, so heartless and cruel. Surely he was suffering beneath the layers. Of course, that’s what they, the demon, thought.

They were 17 when the demon held a bundle of crystallized flowers. Having dipped them in water and turned the liquid that laid atop the petals into crystals they handed them to the male. Dazai, the devil only rolled his eyes. It wasn’t the first or last time this would happen. How many times had they confessed to the brunette, only to receive silence? Then again, they had never said they loved him. The brunette let them cling to him, much to the ginger's displeasure. The god tended to be the middle between them. Chuuya hated watching his partner's ungrateful attitude. To be honest, he was still shocked Dazai hadn’t tried to ravage the one they called a demon.

The day you, the demon, stood in front of Dazai, just before he’d leave forever, you spoke the three words. Instead of silence, he gave that dark shadowy look. Though only one eye was exposed his message was clear. Even in those dark, deadly eyes that showed no emotion, you could tell before he spoke. “When will you take the hint? I don’t have interest in you, never will." His words were so cold.

You looked down as your heart nearly leaped from its place. You stood and watched him leave to the scene of an explosion. You stood before your knees gave out and you fell. That was the last time you would see him for four years.

Dazai spent every day thinking about that moment, the different paths that you could have walked. To not immerse yourself in the senseless bloodshed for life. Had he said yes could you be here among the Agency laughing like you used to? He heard the new rumors, the things they said about you. A Deity of bloodshed. Nobody saw you and lived to tell the tale. An executioner of the port mafia. A heartless demon who lived only to spread their misery to others. They said your eyes were cold and emotionless. No longer lively and that beautiful trap he had been captured by. They said you never laughed, but when you did it was to mock your victims. The cheerful laugh that used to mix into the few good dreams he had now lay within the nightmares. Some Days he woke up and saw the old him. Other times he would wake up from a nightmare and swear you were there. Looking back at him in the mirror. A look of hate on your face as you blamed him for the monster you are.

The rumor that hurt the most had to be your relationship status. Nobody could confirm it, but hearing that you and Chuuya had become a killer duo killed him. Jealousy, anger, disgust, most of that aimed at himself. Another reason to add to the list of miseries he’s gone through. The others at the agency never noticed the way his mind was starting to unravel as rumors increased. As more and more people began to fear the name he regretted tossing to the side. He had been scared of those words, the three words he still can’t say because he’s afraid of how human they make him. For years, he’s been so distant from humanity. Why did it take him so long to realize that pain in his chest as he declined your confessions? The shattering pain he felt when he walked away was his own heart shattering from a love that could have been. He could only imagine you sitting at the desk laughing away with his coworkers. He could imagine his hands over your eyes as he surprised you.

The worst trick of his eyes was when he could really see you sitting there at the empty desk. When he could hear your laughter. Why did this world have to hate him so much? It’s hated him from the day he was born. He hated living so alone, and he could have had somebody, could have shared the miseries of this world with you but he won’t be able to.

Your first appearance at the agency happened during a meeting. The guild would be a problem only the two agencies combined could conquer. His eyes had spotted you immediately. You looked matured, no longer the demon who was far too kind to wear such a title. You truly looked like he had once. Eyes devoid of all emotion. You held your head high, hands behind your back as you took a right next to Mori. Chuuya stood next to you, and upon seeing Dazai his lips curled into a cruel smirk. He leaned over to whisper into your ear.

The smile your lips curled into mirrored the twisted smirk he would wear when delivering punishments to his underlings. He could only shiver before the two of you shared a brisk kiss. His whole world shattered but he held himself together. He kept his unusually bright smile as the two leaders worked out a deal.

When the two of them showed before Dazai he could only wave to hear your voice. “Listen Dazai, neither of us is pleased about working with you. The faster this is done the less we have to deal with you and your heartless personality.” Dazai had no words, he’d never heard you talk like that before. You were always the one silent or praising his accomplishments.

After the mission when Chuuya passed out from using corruption he reached out to you. “Y/n, what happened to you?” among all the questions amidst his mind that one spilled from his lips first.

“Oh Dazai, you happened. The mafia changes people the same way your… current job does.” you sounded disappointed and disgusted.

Behind that mask, you were crying out. Your heart raced as he stood in front of you. A part of you still wanted to hold him as you had. You learned the hard way feelings only granted you pain. “You know, keeping the act up won’t last that long. I recognize the act. Modeled after how I used to hide away?” The snarl that passed over your lips as you reached to punch him didn’t surprise him.

Though it hurt both of you, it took his taunting words to bring out the emotions swimming under the lock. “I hate you. Get it into your head Dazai! You broke me, you abandoned me, you abandoned us! All for what some stupid friend! I was there longer than him Dazai… I held you after nightmares, I cleaned the wounds after battle. Do you know what hurts more than rejection? Abandonment! I trusted you, we trusted you with everything and you threw it all away like nothing. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? He was some stupid friend you spent less time with, knew for less, sure he didn’t kill, he was perfect, better than me but you didn’t even say goodbye!”

He didn’t get to respond before you carried Chuuya off.

Dazai could only stare at the ground and the stains of blood that lay crystallized from your outburst. You had never been good at holding back. He plucked the grass from the ground holding the frozen crimson in his hand. It didn’t melt in his touch as he looked around for a complete flower. He’d kept everything you gave him, he loved the collection of crimson flowers, real flowers, even rain or snow. Your ability was so beautiful and peaceful, like you had been. However, all he found were shards that could cut through flesh. Cruel like the persona you’d adopted to keep yourself from being hurt. He envied Chuuya, who now lay at the receiving end of your love while he stood within the bubble of hate that iced over your heart.

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bunchofstraydogs · 4 years ago

Text

Dazai Osamu in a relationship

Just a lil warning before you proceed: dis a chonky one, kay?

○

Depending on why Dazai is in a relationship affects how he will act with his partner.

If Dazai is curious about them, enough to enter the relationship,

it will last at best a handful of months, at worst about 2 weeks. Enough to get to know them, test them out in terms of reaction, values, honesty and morality, and get bored of them. Thus leading to him braking up with the person or, if he predicts that the person would react badly and cause a scene, get them to break up with him. But even that is dubious because i doubt Dazai would make the relationship official. He would probably just act as if they're dating, leading the partner to believe they actually are without having to verbally confirm anything, and then as soon as he loses interest, pulls a now-you-see-me-now-you-don't and disappears with little to no notice. Hey, he never said they were dating, he calls everyone Belladona, the fault is that person's for being delusional. Yes, he is an asshole, what did you expect of Dazai?

But if Dazai is in love?? Unrecognizable.

I will make a separate headcanon(? whatever these are I'm writing) on what i think a person should be like to sweep Dazai of his feet, but now i want to concentrate on what he would be like in such a relationship.

Is it possible for Dazai to fall in love? Absolutely. He loved Odasaku and Ango, perhaps not romantically, but he's definitely capable of love. People like him- aware of the world's cruelty, dealing with demons and guilt, roaming the world for the sole reason that they haven't died yet, hoping to find something worthwhile they can feel the need to be selfish about and call theirs; don't fall in love, they crash desperately. It takes a lot for them to feel those emotions, but when they do, they can never really let them go.

He would try to act as he usually does in public and try approaching the subject of his trepidation and disarray in many different ways. Distancing himself and going as far to actively avoid them would just come back and bite him in his boney ass. To effectively avoid someone, you need to know their schedule, hobbies, interests, habits, etc. And having learned that would just constantly remind him of them, they'd never leave his mind. He'd look on the clock, see the time and know that they'll be in that specific class because he knows their whole curriculum and class schedule/ at the grocery because they're surly out of their favourite snack/ doing black laundry and yes, he knows unnecessary details about them as well. After that disastrous failure, he comes back running and commences new ways to handle that person. These beta testings are for him as much as they are for them. Just how much and what exactly does he feel for that person, what buttons can he push and which ones he doesn't want to.

When i say Dazai in love would be unrecognizable, i mean it. Not superficially, where everyone can see it, but where it matters.

After doing his best to rail in the unfamiliar feelings under control, going as far as using some of Mori's techniques, the realization of the situation he's found himself in hits him hard.

He comes back as if nothing happened.

The deadpan that person gives him and a "Are you done with your bullshit or do you need some more time to brood about issues you made with yourself?" He doesn't even blink, "Oh, my Belladona! Does that mean you've missed me? Were you worried about me as well??"

All of this was said in your typical, Dazai maniac style, the only difference is that he actually wants an answer. He wants to hear the confirmation, in whatever form it may come- he can read between the lines and body language, just give him something to work with. He's desperate.

While the public Dazai persona won't change, his inner musings and his approach to the love interest will.

Osamu will, sometimes sneakily, usually not so subtly, immerse himself into their daily life. Get them accustomed and used to his presence. What this will do is cause a sense of familiar coexistence, that of people living together; make the person unconsciously continue to include him in their activities; learn to depend on him (not in a unhealthy, yandere way, but if their car brakes down or they're feelinh unsafe, Dazai will be the first person they feel the urge to call) because Dazai can be reliable and he will be reliable for that special person. He will also be the first person they share good news with as well, because if someone is always there for and with you, it's only natural.

Make no mistakes, Dazai is transparent only when he wants to be.

The reasons he does this is because 1) he wants to gauge their reaction to his great interest in them, 2) mask his subtle advances which are the most important part of integrating himself into their life, 3) to get that person in the position where he needs them to be for him to move on to the next phase of his plan.

Now, i may have said plan, but that's a somewhat loose term since what he'll do next depends on their reaction. He definitely has a rough outline of the whole thing in his head, but he's also adaptable and ready to react accordingly to whatever they may throw his way.

[I will be using l/i or LI for "love interest" bc I'm tired of writing that person or whatever, okay? Good.]

Once his l/i made effort to go out of their way for him or commit any type of love language, basically:

act of service- pay for his bills, massage his shoulders, buy crab based food or alchohol he really likes for their own fridge so that he can have it when he's over (often) even if they don't like those things especially then

words of affirmation- thank you Dazai, how was your sleep?, please take better care of yourself i can't help you if you're not making an effort

physical touch- ruffle his hair, lean on him when tired, hold his hand or wrist because it's crowded and it would be a pain to search for you Dazai

gift giving- "I noticed you were running out of bandages", "I bought you food, figured your lost case would forget to eat", "saw this mackerel, reminded me of you^^" "BELLADONA, NO >:("

quality time- spending nights with him because he has insomnia, playing games at the arcade, drive around town run from the cops

He would be overwhelmed. In the best way possible. He'd feel overwhelmingly good and pleasant and warm and worried.

He didn't feel like this, ever.

Not even with Odasaku and Ango. They were probably his first friends, but that's the thing. They didn't make his heart race, they didn't throw him into panic attacks, they didn't overwhelm him, they didn't keep him up at night because he couldn't get them out of his head or completely monopolise his mind during the day.

He gets panic attacks.

A lot of them, actually. Usually he can fake being fine, but sometimes he hyperventilates and can't breathe and all that he can smell is the blood on his hands and his chest is as hollow as l/i's eyes. He knows what can happen. They can and will be used against him. Hell, it could even be an accident. He is vulnerable just because they exist and he can't do shit about it.

He could do his thing: pull some strings, have them move to another country and never speak to each other ever again. He has the power, but he lacks the strength. He could do it, but he doesn't want to. His thumb won't press the numbers, his voice died out, his mind went blank.

The wind blows and it carries their scent with it. The bells ring and it's their laughter that resonates within. His bandages ruffle and it's the warmth of their touch he feels. He's dying, but he's not just ready yet to leave. Hopefully, Odasaku will patiently keep a seat for him.

That was what gave him away, actually.

That's when Ranpo realised, with zero doubt, that Dazai Osamu is in love.

Dazai could be going on and on about suicide.

Enter l/i.

"I found an amazing tree yesterday with really sturdy branches. I wanted to test them out today, but i promised l/i I'd go to the new bakery with them today and who would they go with if i die?? Unacceptable!"

Ranpo: "A new bakery? I'll happily take your place."

"UNACCEPTABLE!!"

With every panic attack he feels stranded on an island in the sea of death.

He's exhausted. For the first time he finally wants to escape alive. Then they walk in and the storm in the sea moves to his heart. And into his stomach and his hands and his knees.

"I'm here for you, Osamu. Everything is going to be fine."

His insomnia goes by a different name now.

It still keeps him up at night and makes him restless.

But this time, when he fills his nth glass of whiskey for the night, when the TV is muted and the trafic quiet, when he can hear their breathing beside him in their shared bed, he raises the glass to hope for the halcyon days.

●

Fucking finally. You think you're exhausted, you waste of bandages?? I have a final today I'm going to fail and actually wrote about your musky ass. You try doing that with my brain.

Hope you guys like it and if you made it this far, here's a cup of ☕ or 🍵, whichever you prefer. I wrote him as i see and envision him. Hope it all makes sense. He's a complicated character, but he is still human and he is not immune to emotions.

Have a good one~☆

I will probably come up with more things for him, because i doubt i covered everything, but for now this shall do.

#bungo stray dogs #bsd #dazai osamu #bungou stray dogs #dazai osamu headcanons #dazai osamu x reader #dazai osamu in a relationship

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ssatoritendou · 4 years ago

Text

Dinner for Three

Pairing: Chuuya/reader

Chuuya Nakahara

Word count: 1.4k

+ summary: After a day being tormented by Osamu Dazai all you want to do was spend time with the lovely Chuuya...but an enemy has other plans for both of you

Genre: fluff

Warning: mentions of weapons

“Osamu I don’t get why I have to wear a face mask?”

In a whiney tone, with a pout, the dangerous mafioso responded, “___ it’s a disguise. No one can tell who you are.”

“Osamu, putting me in a suit, a face mask, and a different hairstyle won’t fool anyone. Besides we are in headquarters. Everyone knows we work together.” You argued with him.

“Boo-hoo for trying to make our day fun. And make you look interesting.” He laughed with an evil smirk.

“Keep talking Dazai, you’ll end up in more bandages.” You mumbled.

You were going through the paperwork you had to finish filling out and filing.

“___ I’m bored.”

You sighed, “Osamu maybe if you did your paperwork on time, we could be out on a raid or literally anything else.”

“Why would I do it? When I have a pretty Belladonna doing it for me.”

You chuckled with a sinister smile under your mask but to Dazai it looks like you liked the compliment. “Actually I’m doing Nakahara a favor.”

He faked a pain in his heart and fell out of the chair. “How dare you do that dog a favor! You are supposed to be my associate, not his!”

“Osamu you do realize we all work together, you might be my mentor but I’m friends with everyone.”

“And to think I gave you...what did I give you again?”

“Hmm...” you thought “you gave a roll of bandages. I think you even said over drinks used them when you have horrible injuries. Then you poured Chuuya’s wine into his hat. We were asked to leave Lupin. If Odasaku was there controlling what you were drinking maybe we wouldn’t have been kicked out.”

“You just said Chuuya. You never call him Chuuya. Always Nakahara, Mr. Nakahara, and Executive Nakahara.”

“Did I? Careless mistake. You say it all the time must have picked it up.” You said with a shrug finishing the last paper for Chuuya.

Knowing full well you messed up. You weren’t supposed to call him that outside of the home. You were supposed to meet him tonight for dinner. But now the ever so clever mafioso idiot Dazai Osamu, was glaring at you.

“Do you have any idea what you want to do or what we should do? Besides play dress up. Heard anything from Ogai?”

He looked down at his desk filled with paperwork. “No, I guess I have to meet Akutagawa soon.”

“So I can go home?” You asked excitedly.

“Yeah yeah. Keep the phone on though.”

You left headquarters and went home. You plopped on your couch loosening your tie.

“Hey baby,… what are wearing?” He looked you up and down.

“Dazai wanted to play dress-up today. He said it was a “disguise”.” You told your boyfriend.

He growled at the mention of Dazai. “I’m sorry he tortured by that asshole.”

“Chuuya that is not a kind way to describe our friend.”

He rolled his eyes. “He is a suicidal maniac and a piece of shit. Do not call him my friend.” He growled.

“Ok, sweetie. I’m going to get ready for dinner.” You told him.

“You still want to go out even with the suspicious sociopath out there?”

“I just spent the entire day with a bored Dazai, he dressed me up as Mori does with Elise. I deserve a night out at my favorite restaurant with my big bad mafioso boyfriend is going to take me there.”

“He dressed you like the way Mori does with Elise?!” He yelled, taking that small comparison away from your statement.

“Dinner. Tonight Chuuya.”

“You were right. We are needed the night out.” Chuuya said sipping his wine.

“It pays to be in the mafia with multiple restaurants willing to close just for you.”

Chuuya hummed to that as you both raised your glasses clinking them.

You two were in a comfy corner in the party room restaurant, arched doors closed, large paints hanging off the walls, maroon carpeted floors, a private bar across from the door, and a table lit by candlelight. A fine red wine Chuuya picked for you two tonight. Him even pinning his hair tonight under his fedora.

You recently saw an old picture when he first entered the Port Mafia with short hair. You casually mentioned you liked how he looked in his teens. He nearly chopped off his beautiful long ginger hair with a pair of kitchen scissors. You threw a knife in his direction to stop him from doing so. You adore his long locks, loved calming him down with running your fingers through his hair. Or when he had a pretty stressful day brushing it for him and braiding it, that ultimately lead to him braid yours in return.

“So please tell me how was your day today My Love.” You asked him.

“Pretty boring had to go over shipments coming in from the north, that was early in the morning. Then there was the delivery process. I was able to go for a short bike ride briefly, nearly got mugged by a kid on the street. He looked like he was starving I didn’t blame him I’ve been there. So I gave him so cash and a card just in case he needs a family.”

“Ever so kind My God.”

“What did I tell you about calling me your god.” He brought down his hat to cover his face flush from the comment.

“It’s only true, Mr. Executive.” You said teasingly knowing that gets a rise out of him. You started to play footies with his legs under the pristine white table cloth.

“I would like to go to dinner once where we actually eat and not having me rush home because you can’t behave.” He growled at you grabbing your thigh possessively.

You giggled. “Sorry for teasing you.” You liked down at your wine glass twirling your finger around the edge. You noticed a strange reflection in the glass.

“Chuuya duck.” You said in a calm manner.

You both hit the deck just as a rain of fire of bullets was coming from the main dining room.

You flipped the table over as the both of you made your way to the bar.

“Can you use your ability?”

“I can’t see who is out there or how many. They are covered.”

“And we are pinned down.” You sighed.

So this is how you and Chuuya, the love of your life were going to die. Pinned down in your favorite restaurant being killed by Port Mafia enemies.

“What can you do with a blowtorch?” Chuuya asked pulling it up from under the shelf.

“Depends how much do you like that jacket?”

He smirked and started ripping the jacket up. Putting the ends in liquor bottles. You turned on the blowtorch, starring at the beautiful flame.

Chuuya was smirking happily watching you ready to burn down a building and give him an opening to kill these men that were trying to kill you.

He saw one of the bullets and saw an interesting logo on the side.

“…Mori Corp.” He said with an angry low tone. “Don’t, we can’t kill them.”

“What they are shooting at us?”

“They are blanks. Look at the shells.”

“Son of a bitch, Osamu Dazai!” You yelled across the restaurant. You stood up from behind the bar. “The next person who shoots, I will have your head and Chuuya will play with your decapitated head.”

Chuuya face went blank after you said that.

“Ok ok boys you heard the little lady. You can all go home.” Dazai said with an evil smirk.

You jumped over the bar into the main dining hall grabbing the bandage freak by the neck.

“What the hell Dazai! You tortured me all day and I wanted to relax with my boyfriend and you had to ruin it.” He was laughing, “Why the hell are you laughing your maniac?!”

“You said Chuuya is your boyfriend.”

“That is what this is about?!” Chuuya yelled at him from the side.

“Now, Now you two, you were keeping a secret from your best friend. You should have told me because you didn’t you got shot at.” He said with his dead stare.

“You are psycho.” You sighed holding your head in hand. You flipped the table back up pulling three chairs over. “Are you idiots coming to eat or not?”

#nakahara chuuya #chuuya nakahara #chuya nakahara #chūya nakahara #nakahara chuya #nakahara chuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader #chuuya nakahara imagines #bungou stray dogs #bsd x reader #bungou Chuuya #bungou stray dogs Chuuya #port mafia bsd #ada bsd #armed detective agency #port mafia x reader

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dazedbydazai · 4 years ago

Text

예뻤어 - You Were Beautiful

➤ Pairing: Dazai Osamu x Fem!Reader

➤ Genre: Angst

➤ Warning: Character death(s)

➤ WC: 2.0K

(A/N: This was requested by an anon and was inspired by DAY6′s song, You were Beautiful. I suggest listening to that while reading this. It just hits right.)

Dazai Osamu was a very secretive and elusive man. He had multiple tricks up his sleeve, he was manipulative, cunning, and unforgiving. He didn't know what love was, he abandoned that emotion long ago. He was merciless and self-centered, only caring about things that will benefit him. Dazai Osamu was not a good man.

But all of that changed when his closest friend, Odasaku, died.

Promising to turn over a new leaf, Dazai left the Port Mafia in pursuit of something more beautiful, something good, and he had also vowed to not let anyone else enter his life and be attached to them in fear of losing them like he lost his friend.

Dazai vowed. He closed himself off, hiding behind a pretentious and flamboyant character that fools people with his handsome smile and witty banter. Dazai didn't want to repeat the same mistake twice. Dazai had already learned.

He chanted this in his mind over and over again but alas, he was not able to stick to his word. Because just after a few months of leaving his past self behind, he suddenly met you.

A beautiful woman. Funny, kind, and just as intelligent as Dazai, you showed up in front of him like an angel and broke down all the walls he's built.

Dazai didn't understand why, of all people, did you come to him? Why waste your time on someone who's suicidal and clearly not of sound mind? Why bother entertaining his antics and flirtatious behavior when you knew that he only did this to cover up his ugliness within?

Simple. The answer was simple.

It was just in your nature.

You were gentle when you first embraced Dazai. You were understanding when he told you about his past. You were soft spoken when you told him that it's okay. You were kind, so very kind, that Dazai didn't bother to put up his walls around you anymore.

Dazai let himself fall. He wanted to hold you in his arms longer, wanted you to kiss his pain and anguish away, he wanted to love you. And he did.

That promise he made himself was long forgotten as he sighed contently, letting your fingers drag through his hair, gently fixing it up.

"Dazai? Are you falling asleep?" You giggle as you look at him through the mirror of your dresser.

Dazai blinked a few times before grinning at you. "Hmm... if I say yes, would you let me sleep in your bed tonight?"

You lightly smack his forehead and laugh. "If you meant that literally, then go ahead."

You were always so welcoming with Dazai, no, actually with all the people you meet. You treat them equally, always talking to them with a smile on your face. But Dazai likes to think that he's given special treatment from you. You are, after all, the closest person he's ever let in his life next to Odasaku.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Being with you was easy. You calmed Dazai's heart, relaxed his mind, made him feel more human.

"You are the most beautiful person I've ever met," He had told you one day as you ate your lunch together. If it was anybody else, they'd assume that Dazai was just being his usual flirty self. But since it was you, you knew that those words held something deeper as you look in his brown orbs.

Being with Dazai was difficult, to say the least, but you kept up with him, determined to help him in any way you can. And it wasn't long before you found yourself falling for him too.

It was in the gentle way he held your hand, the glint in his eyes whenever he talks to you, the softness and vulnerability of his voice when he lets out his inner thoughts and nightmares.

You were always there, listening through each and every one of his stories. Even when he had called you up at three o'clock in the morning, voice hoarse and shaky as he apologized to you.

"Did you have another nightmare?" You ask softly and when Dazai says yes, you sit up on your bed and walk him through it. You always knew how to calm him down, knew the right words to say, and Dazai was thankful for that.

Dazai truly loved you and you loved him too.

That's why even if he knows he won't be able to hold you in his arms forever, he still takes the chance and asks you to be his.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

It feels like heaven. Dazai thought as he held you in his arms one cold winter night.

It was perfect. How your hand fit in his as he kissed your knuckles gently.

"You are so beautiful, my belladonna."

Those words never failed to make you blush, your heart skipping a beat as Dazai traces the features of your face with his finger.

"Stay with me like this forever, Dazai. I want to keep you close to me for as long as I can," You whisper these words as you close your eyes, feeling sleepy.

"Don't say that like you're going someplace else, my love. I will forever be by your side," Dazai replied as he kissed your forehead and wrapped the blanket closer to your bodies.

But maybe Dazai should have taken your words more seriously that night. Because a few weeks later, he will find himself regretting not holding onto you tighter.

Life was cruel, Dazai knew that from a young age. Things never go according to plan. One moment you're up in the clouds, and the next you're falling head first to the ground.

That's how Dazai felt today as he got a call from the hospital.

Leaving behind his work at the agency and rushing over to you in a panic, Dazai felt his world slowly crumble to pieces as he saw the state you were in.

"What happened?" Dazai asked the doctor as he stood still at the doorway of your room. Dazai's eyes were blank as he listened to the doctor explaining that you suddenly fainted in the middle of the street. That it was probably due to the strain in your heart, a terminal illness that Dazai had no idea you had.

But maybe he already knew. He saw you multiple times trying to take some medicine in secret, as if you were afraid of letting Dazai see. At one time he found a bottle of pills in your cabinet but he didn't dare ask what it was for.

It was silly, how you two were so alike, how you also masked your own pain by that beautiful smile of yours.

When the doctor had finished and left, Dazai approached your bed and sat by your side. Even with your eyes closed and your lips not the usual shade of pink, Dazai still found you beautiful and he simply stared at you, waiting for you to wake up.

When you come to, the first thing you see is the familiar tousle of Dazai’s hair as he laid his head on your hospital bed. You felt your words get caught up in your throat and your hand flinch.

“Belladonna?” Dazai called out groggily, having woken up by your movement.

Immediately, as you lock eyes with him, you felt your tears forming and falling at the corner of your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Was all you could say as you cried. You felt horrible, both physically and emotionally. All this time you had kept this a secret from him, from someone who has been so honest with you from the start. You apologized over and over again, not knowing what else to say.

Dazai hushed you by wiping your tears away. “What are you sorry for, my belladonna?”

You force the lump down your throat as you look up at the ceiling, suddenly unable to face Dazai head on.

“For everything,” You whisper. “I know I should have told you about this. But I just…”

Dazai waited for you to continue, staying silent as he brushed his thumb across your cheeks.

You shut your eyes and cry harder, your body shaking horribly. “I didn’t want to worry you, didn’t want you to see me like this. I look and feel so helpless.”

You clutch the sheets in your hands and take a shaky breath. “All my life they told me to just stay still, to not venture out in the world. I know I don’t have long to live and I planned to listen to them and close myself off. But that was until I met you.”

You find the courage to finally face Dazai again and your heart sank deeper as you see the blank look in his eyes. “I became selfish. Ever since I met you, I suddenly wanted to live. I wanted to experience everything life had to offer. I wanted to fall in love, and I’m so glad that I found that in you. And I don’t regret leaving my past behind and meeting you. But…”

You reach up and hold Dazai’s cheek and that’s when you saw the familiar pain cross his eyes. “The only regret that I have now is that I put you in this position once again.”

Dazai knew what you meant and he couldn’t help the deep sigh that escapes his lips. Closing his eyes, he leans into your touch and says, “Can’t you stay with me for a little longer, Y/N?”

It was the first time in a long while that he called you by your name and it hurt so bad how sad his tone was when saying it.

“I honestly don’t know Dazai,” You admit you aren’t sure how longer you can stay with him, how longer you can live. And as you helplessly lay on the bed and hold Dazai’s hand in yours tightly, you couldn’t help but pray to all the gods to give you a little bit more time.

Life was indeed cruel and it left a bitter taste in Dazai’s mouth as he stared out the window of your shared apartment. There were a lot of things left unsaid between you two but one thing was for certain, you really didn’t want Dazai to see the pain you were hiding inside.

You only wanted him to see the good things, the beautiful things. Wanted him to enjoy life and continue on his journey. But how was he supposed to do that now? He wanted to be angry, wanted to scream at the universe for kicking him down like this over and over again, but he can’t bring himself to. He couldn’t hate you. No. Not you.

Because you were beautiful.

From the moment he first saw you, he knew how gorgeous you were from inside and out.

You were beautiful.

Every time you said you loved him with that sparkle in your eyes. Every time you called his name in that sweet voice of yours. Every time you kissed and wrapped your arms around him.

You were beautiful.

Even as you saw all the ugliness of life, you still managed to smile.

You were beautiful.

Even as you said you were sorry, with tears staining your cheeks.

You were beautiful.

Even as you said your final good bye when you thought Dazai was sound asleep by your side.

Everything about you was beautiful, and deep down, Dazai was glad he found you. He was thankful that you guided him to the light. He was happy he got to spend a significant time with you.

But no matter how beautiful your time spent with him was, he still couldn’t help but clench his fist in anger. Why did you have to leave me too?

It was a question Dazai always asked but he never found an answer. Again, for the second time in his life, someone so dear slipped away from his hands.

Sometimes he wanted to end it as well, to fall into the hands of death. But he was suddenly afraid to push through it. He was afraid to forget you, to never see you again even as he closes his eyes. He was scared to lose his precious memories of you.

Because all of it was beautiful in his eyes.

And now as he lays in bed, he doesn’t know what hurts and haunts him more; the nightmares of his past life, or the constant dreams he has of you and your beautiful smile.

#bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs angst #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs #bungo stray dogs angst #bungo stray dogs x reader #bsd x reader #bsd #bsd angst #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #dazai x reader #bsd dazai angst

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dear-yandere · 5 years ago

Text

smile.

yandere! ada! dazai x reader. scenario. tw: mentions of suicide, suicidal ideation and rationalization (on dazai’s part of course), brief mention of blood. disclaimer: this is not a healthy relationship.

he is a coward, an idiot ghost which roams the earth and pretends it is something more. death is a prospect familiar to him, the opposite of foreign, the opposite of terrifying; to dazai, death is something to be welcomed. it is home where life isn’t and he would prefer to die, to be wiped from everyone’s memories, if it will result in a peaceful, painless, peerless death.

it only took one smile, one conversation, to change his mind. humans are a funny creature, so easily malleable and manipulated and moved by the kindest of gestures. he used think of himself as impenetrable, impassive by the kindness of a race he never thought himself part of. no amount of skin and bone and blood could persuade him otherwise, could persuade him that the life he led has meaning beyond death. from the moment humans are born, they begin to die, so it makes sense, to him at least, that people are born to die.

but to you, people are creation -- both the product of creation and the beginning of something more. sweet, honey-laced words and disingenuous, easily-manipulated smiles are everything to you precisely because you assume the best in people. what an enigma you are, so unlike him; a persephone to his hades, perhaps.

“am i wrong? you want to be loved, don’t you?” those words cut deeper than any blade and yet you were not trained in the ways of combat; how odd, how unusual, how peculiar you are. dazai made no move to respond to your interesting queries, so you took it as an invitation to continue, his head cradled against your chest. “you’re important to me, osamu. i won’t be happy if you die and i live.”

under normal circumstances, he would’ve laughed, but his head throbbed from the loss of blood so great he could hardly discern your face -- the very face he’d burnt into his eyelids every waking day and every sleepless night. what you said couldn’t have been more selfish, but then again, was he not selfish too? suicide would end his pain now, but his death would leave you traumatized. he couldn’t do that to you, never to you. this was the first time he was needed for something so innocent, so mundane and ordinary it seemed laughable to mention he is an ex-mafioso. he’s been used and abused and killed so many; he’s used to being important in other ways. but never like this, never for something so...

pure.

“maybe it’s not my place to speak, but you’re too harsh on yourself.” your tone softened, so light and airy dazai wished it would consume him. warm, gentle hands cupped his cheeks and pulled you him so close he could almost see the stars in your eyes. “death is not the same as taking responsibility. you need to live so that you can repent for whatever horrible thing you condemn yourself for.”

at first, dazai wore smiles to gain the trust of many. they were nothing more than frozen masks, false effigies donned to get whatever he desires. true happiness, true smiles, true ... anything was always lost on him; but true love has a way of getting you. like blood and poison, it seeps between the bricks he laid before him in a desperate attempt to keep everyone one and him in, like some caged beast locked in the back of a circus. smiles were just another tool to lower people’s guards, to keep people far enough that they couldn’t see the cracks in his facade.

but the smile on his face now was genuine. he couldn’t get rid of it no matter how hard he tried, and it felt odd using the muscles in his face for something other than his own gains. when had his usual, playful, devil may care smile turn into something so real? was it you? he supposed it was -- you had always been special like that.

he mentally admits defeat; feelings are such odd things.

"i envy the size of your heart.” dazai finally broke the silence, a weak and weary and wholesomely unfeigned smile decorating his lips. seeing such a rare sight was enough to steal your breath, but not as much as his laughter or the words that followed. “were you created just for me ? you’re so much like an antithesis to everything i stand for, yet i can’t find it within myself to push you away. i wonder why that is...” he draws a jagged breath, the sharp pain in his side protesting to his movements, but he no longer cared. instead, he reached up and rest a tentative, shaky hand on the back of your head, urging you forward. his breath was minty yet tinged with the unsettling stench of iron, but he wanted to kiss you anyway.

“i think i love you.” he laughs, the words felt so bittersweet on his tongue, as if they didn’t belong there. he never thought he’d experience the joy of having someone to say that to, so perhaps they didn’t; he was almost afraid you’d push him away with a look of pure disgust, but you smiled. so real, so beautiful, so genuine just like his.

“and i love you too, you suicidal maniac. don’t die without me, okay?”

ah. so this is what love feels like. unlike everything else he’d ever known, this was something he never wants to let go of. maybe death wasn’t all he’s ever wanted; you are.

“okay.”

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teenitinygod · 5 years ago

Note

I’m not too good at thinking of ideas but maybe a hc of Chuuya (he’s my fave asdghf) with s/o whose ability is to detect/manipulate emotions? Or maybe a fluff scenario where Aku’s s/o secretly tries to kiss him when he’s asleep! Ooo ooo or one where Dazai keeps trying to get s/o to leave him bc he believes he’s bad for her but she’s not falling for any of it? These are just suggestions you don’t have to do it if you don’t wanna, PLS DONT KILL ME T_T ps ily you one of my fave tumblrs 🌼

I love you more bby- I did the Dazai one!

———————————————————————————————————- Dazai pushing his s/o away!

Dazai wasn’t one to get attached, that wasn’t his thing, he laughed at falling in love, and scoffed at the thought of getting in a relationship. The deep sorrow that constantly filled his soul was unwavering and no matter what he did, no matter how many people he saved, it wouldn’t go away. The endless depression that came with being so empty inside became tiresome to deal with, so Dazai resorted to distractions. Those distractions varied and came in different forms. His new distraction was you. You were pretty, straightforward, not one to beat around the bush and bullshit anyone. That’s probably the main reason you caught his eye. You were fun, someone to laugh with, open minded and didn’t mind his 3am calls to come over. You were easy to keep a mask around, you didn’t pry, didn’t question, didn’t press at the unknown, his bandages, his past. The way you smiled and blindly followed his lead was almost endearing, he realized that being near you made days just a bit easier. He liked what you both had built, your unlabeled relationship made life a tad more bearable, simple, dare he say normal. Like he had a shot at happiness. And then came night.

One night. One night was all it took for what he had built to come crumbling down. He cursed himself for not being hyper aware of his actions, not being able to detect the way your eyes shined with deeper emotions when he was around, the little things you did to be closer to him. It didn’t hit him until in the afterglow of intimacy you muttered words he never thought he would’ve ever had to hear from you. In that instant his brain raced, wondering if leaving or not was the best option. You cut his thoughts off with a voice of understanding, pressing your face against his shirt, telling him that he didn’t have to say it back. Against his better judgement, he pulled you closer, drifting off into a night's rest. Yet Dazai lay awake, retracing his steps, grinding his teeth at the fact that he had done something he'd sworn not to do. Even if it was just a bit, he’d become blindsided by the distraction he created, addicted to the temporary relief you gave him of the metaphorical pillow that pressed against his head.

That night was the start of many nights that started with intimacy and ended with a cold bed. Your once contempt attitude about the undefined nature of your relationship dissolved, succumbing to the angsty title of demanding partner. You didn’t want to be that way, but you couldn’t help the feelings of dread and chipping of your pride as Dazai fucked you in the night and left before the sun rose. His lunch date requests came to an end, the talks about any and everything stopped as your regret for muttering your feelings grew. You weren’t stupid, you could see that there was something going on with Dazai, and maybe that fact made you regret confessing to him. You were dazed, in a faux-reality where Dazai would wrap you into his arms, whispering that he returned your feelings. Maybe you were too naive, too shortsighted, too narrow minded.

That longing look in his eyes wasn’t something you can pick up easily, it takes being with him for a while, watching him, and you did. That subconscious part of you knew you were his distraction, something to take his mind of whatever he had been going through, that’s why you didn’t press. You didn’t question the bandages, don't question the suicide, welcome him into your arms, home, and bed in the late of each night. Deciding that you’d had enough of pitying your past mistake, you decided that you would go to the agency and talk to him face to face. Five weeks had gone by since that night, not long enough to clear the awkward tension that squeezed your lungs as you both walked the calm streets of Yokohama.The sun was setting, the soft tones of the sky blended outwards as the day transitioned to night. Neither of you dared to speak first, not that you were scared, but what were you going to say? How were you going to say it? You paused, watching as Dazai took notice and turned towards you, an expectant look on his face.

“I know, I know that whatever we are was never meant to be something more to you, it was never meant to go any further than mindless sex and shallow talks. I’m not stupid and neither are you. I can see that look in your eyes, that desire for something you clearly feel that you don’t deserve. I’m not going to sit here and pretend like i’m the answer to your past, some miracle person that sets you free from the pain and trauma from what was before me. But I won’t apologize for my feelings, I stand by what I said, and I don’t want to let you go,” You confessed, voice unwavering as your toes dug into the soles of your shoes. Dazai’s face held a stoic expression, brown eyes that bore into yours, like he was trying to figure out your motives, like he was staring at your soul from the inside out, and it gave you chills.

“I think it’s best that we go our separate ways,” Dazai responds, hands forcing their way into the bottom seams of his coat pockets. Your eyebrows furrowed, fist clenching harshly as you denied his words.“I don’t want that and I don’t think you do either. I want to figure this out, frankly I don’t give a shit if you don’t think it will matter. If you decide you don’t want to be with me after, fine. But don’t take me lightly, don’t brush me off because I know my worth. I’m willing to put up with whatever you're looking for,” Your words are sharp as you take a step towards him. The stinging of your nails pressing into your palms are somehow soothing. His expression doesn’t change and you sigh.

“I can’t make you want better for yourself, I can’t make you see yourself the way I see you, nor can I make you want to try to make this work. But I do know this, I do have feelings for you Dazai, I’m willing to do this, make this work, I’m willing to see this through,” Dazai shifts on his heels, feeling the breeze of the spring evening comb through his hair. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were supposed to be a distraction. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet, here he was, standing on the sidewalk as you poured out your emotions to someone you knew nothing about. It was laughable, but he knew you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t mean it. So with a tiny smile he pulled you into his arms, taking in the scent of your hair and the warmth of your body, now realizing how much he truly missed you. You both stood there for a while, knowing this was only the beginning of something, neither bad nor good at least he wouldn’t have to be alone. And underneath the setting sun as he held you close he felt a little more whole.

#Bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs imagines #bsd x reader #dazai x reader #dazai osuma #dazai imagines #dazai headcanons #bsd imagines #bsd headcanons

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smoochi-dazai · 4 years ago

Text

✿ “ Bare Touch ” ✿

—> Bungo Stray Dogs, Ryūnosuke Akutagawa | reader / @akutagawasbitch

—> Sweet | Gift

—> Description | It’s a surprise, i changed my original idea for this. Sorry for any mistakes <3 I did this to win our affection contest.

No matter how much flickering crimson coated Akutagawa, he couldn’t find himself fazed by the many mangled bodies in front of him. He was a hellhound, looking for someone or something to one day find a method for taming his spirit. That significant item in order to render his spirit vulnerable was none other then you, the women who managed to creep their way into his tar coated heart. Who knew something as fierce as him, could become a mere puppy beneath your praise.

No matter how powerful he found himself become, Akutagawa couldn't satisfy the drought of his emotions, running dry of spirit. The boy no longer felt the urge to flaunt his power, for his old mentor's affections. At least for the time period where he found his distraction.

Akutagawa never foresaw this happening in his life, where an angel could purify even a soul like his own. A heart coated with a thick layering of tar, only to puff into smoke and escape threw coughing fits. He could only wonder if Dazai saw this happening someday, the day where he got a woman of his very own. He cherished you, even if he didn’t always express it.

The fact you changed his life for the better was odd, he was still a dog. But now he felt as though he had a home, besides the Port Mafia.

Footsteps echo in his mind as Akutawgawa walked out of a large company building. Leaving a purse at the receptionist's desk. He claimed as though it must have been a lost item to be delivered to one of the women who work there, simply returning it for safekeeping, before they could question he already left the door.

As the door shut behind him, a loud explosion could be heard from inside. The blast opened the door behind him, smoke escaping the now open windows and doors.

Reaching to his hip, the raven-haired boy takes his phone within his grasp. Flipping it open before dialing a number.

“ I’ll meet you at our usual spot. “

Ending the call before the other person could even reply, the boy tucks his phone back to his side. Making his way towards a park, ways away from the crime he just committed.

Normally this park would have children flooding the area, but after the company building behind attacked, everyone flooded out of the area for safety. Leaving him there alone to wait for the person her expected to arrive. Even though the building was out of sight, the sound of the blast put many civilians into a full-blown panic.

Coughing into his hand, Akutagawa's empty grey eyes meet with the faint glimmer of light that pierced into a pond of water. Allowing even a little beauty to flash in his dull iris’s.

Without any sign of his guest being there beforehand, a calloused yet gentle-looking hand plunged into the water by someone other than himself. Turning his head, he noticed someone all too familiar.

You.

Staying quiet, he observed as you seemed to try and grasp the light from the ponds clear waters. To no avail, as expected, your hand only slid right past all the light like a ghost. Unable to grasp it, he heard you sigh.

You two were alike, yet opposites. He couldn’t find himself to understand your thought process, attempting to figure out your motives behind small actions like this. Both you and he were members of the infamous Port Mafia, not afraid to get your hands dirty to complete a task.

The couple were not allowed to grasp the light, they dug themselves too deep to surface. Or so they thought.

Lifting her head, their eyes met.

Akutagawa could see the pain beneath that shimmer of light that reflected off the water into your beautiful eyes. You made him feel weak, and he hated it.

He had a longing to be strong, strength was the reason to live for him, a purpose to breathe. Even in a trembling dark world like his, a place he could drown any minute, you still insisted on holding his hand. Reaching deep depths of darkened waters.

He yearned for Dazai’s praise, the man who abandoned him and the entire Mafia on the flip of a coin as he saw it. Without a word, he left without care. There was a creeping pain, but it was only a trivial matter at this point. Finding a substitute, maybe even better than the real thing, here at his side.

You were better then Dazai even could be in his eyes.

Even if his body shatters, you’d pick up his pieces and fix him back to new. When others trampled over his pride, you’d protect him. Even when he didn’t need a savior.

He yearned for you, not just your praise. But your body, heart, soul and mind. Everything, you were his desire. He refused to admit the weakness in his heart you’d send his way, the way your smile could falter his clear mind, coughing to cover up the smile you brought to his chapped lips.

Sometimes he would believe you were an illusion, holding his stray heart with tenderness.

“ Yoo-hoo? Earth to Aku, are you in there? “

Your voice snapped him out of his daze, not realizing he had been staring at your form for quite some time now. Akutagawa adverts his gaze, coughing into his hand while huffing.

“ Where else would I be? “ The cloaked in black boy inquired.

Before he could react, a pair of arms wrap around his neck while your body crashed into his. Forcing him to instinctively hold you up, a grunt escaping his lips.

“ You’d be in my arms of course! “ You exclaim happily, that dull expression from before now hidden behind a more cheery attitude. It wasn’t any mask though, that smile was genuine when it was shared with him.

“ You’re heavy, get off- “ Akutagawa groaned, knowing there was no way of convincing you to get off.

“ First of all that’s rude, second of all I know you have no issues with me being here or you could’ve just dropped me. “

Arms wrapped around each other, Akutagawa shut his eyes for a moment, finding himself in the depth of darkness. Opening them again, he looks at the pond next to them. Gaining a newly found idea from your last comment.

“ I see. “

Without a second thought, Akutagawa walked closer to the body of water without you noticing, and as soon as you grasped the situation, he dropped you in the pond. It was shallow where you landed, making an ‘oof’ sound as you felt your bottom pressed against the pebbles.

“ Hey! What was that for Aku?! “ You found yourself cry out to Akutagawa who stood triumphantly above you. That pout of yours was always cute to him. His expression remained unclear to you,

If a thing called heart existed, he could only assume this is what it was. The way his heart would pound at the thought of your praise, your smile coating sugar on his visible skin, the way your lips would melt against his like chocolate.

He would never be seen like this around others, remaining the violent dog working for the Port Mafia. With you he was normally an awkward mess, always going from cold remarks to instant regret.

Meeting your gaze was... beautiful to him.

The sun began to set, the light fleeting from the once vibrant water was now full of nothing but darkness, an endless abyss of shadow.

You’ve shown him something special, for sure it must be more than a trembling dark world he was used to.

Lifting yourself out of the water, your clothes were not completely drenched. Feeling a slight chill race up your spine. Crossing your arms both in order to keep yourself warm and to threaten Akutagawa which never worked but you try anyway.

“ Do that again and I-... I swear ill make sure you’re the one soaking wet next time, Aku!! “

The night grew chillier as the seconds go by, stuttering on your words while a couple of wet strands of hair stick to your wet skin.

Your skin began to emit a gentle glow from the moon, almost putting Akutagawa in a trance.

Looking at your feet now, your clenched jaw and trembling body told Akutagawa that what he did has successfully backfired. Feeling a pang of regret in his heart, you felt something be thrown over your head. Darkness consuming your vision. Uncrossing your arms, you feel the fabric of whatever was thrown over your head, it was Akutagawa's signature black coat.

Smiling to yourself, you shut your eyes, still hidden under its protection. The familiar scent of Akutagawa was captured in its contents, blood and smoke- two deadly things somehow turned into a more comfort waft.

Another hand lifted the coat, your eyes meeting with Akutagawa who was peeking under the temporary cover for you. A concerned looked in his eyes was there, but hidden behind anything he could muster up.

“ Why are you smiling like that? “ Seemingly flabbergasted genuinely by your small smile, you pull him closer to you.

Your lips capture his beneath the coat, hiding your little scene away from the public along with your identity. His eyes widen, while a blush spreads to his ears and down his neck. Pulling away immediately, Akutagawa has a slight coughing fit.

Pulling the coat from your head, you slip your arms through the sleeves to wear it properly. That same smile adorned on your features left him in utter shock and confusion. His coat was pretty big on you, but no the less fit well, it was nice to be wrapped up in his coat. His warmth still lingering on it, while he now stood with his dress shirt exposed.

Pivoting on his foot, Akutagawa attempted to hide the blush against his pale skin. Walking away from you.

“ I’m heading home, return the coat tomorrow morning or you won't be happy with the results of your mistake. “

Akutagawa loved you so much, unbelievably much.

“ Roger that, Aku! “ You wave him goodbye, halting as you begin feeling a buzz in your pocket.

A short messaged left your heart pounding.

“ You look cute in the coat, I’ll see you tomorrow. “

Looking up from your phone you noticed Akutagawa staring back at you, phone in hand, another buzz went off while he started his strut away again. This time he was gone for good, at least for tonight.

His final words in text left you in bliss.

“ I love you. “

#Ryunosuke Akutagawa x reader #Ryunosuke Akutagawa #bsd #bungo stray dogs #bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #sweet #fluff #Smoochi dazai #Ryunosuke x reader #Akutagawa x reader #gift

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patchwork-panda · 4 years ago

Text

“I don’t want to be your... ‘ex.’”

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28870812

Genre: romance/angst Rating: 17+ for CW: subtle (non-graphic) mentions of depression, drinking, suicidal ideation, implied sex. Reader-insert has no description of gender/height/weight/race, etc Plot: You are Dazai Osamu's ex-lover. You run into him again one day at the Uzumaki Cafe, months after you've broken up. He says he missed you. Do you take him back?

Mini Fic is written in 2nd person. based off of Ailee’s cover of Ex by Kiana Lede: link here

There he is.

You nearly drop your cup when you turn around.

Like usual, he’s sitting there at the table in the corner. He’s got his coffee in front of him along with that little red book, the “masterpiece” he carries with him everywhere he goes, the bright, lurid text trailing down the center of the tome visible even from your place by the counter. His lashes twitch as his deep brown eyes skim the page, the subtle flicking of his irises going right to left telling you that while he only looks to be idly flipping through, he’s drinking in every word.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he had never read this book before.

But you know all too well how many times he’s read it, don’t you?

Pulled it out of his bandaged hands on more than one occasion, often late in the night, throwing it on the floor in frustration as you let your silent tears do the talking for you.

You bite your lip.

Why does he look so beautiful to you even now?

It’s been months since you threw that bouquet of stark-white lilies back in his face. Months since you threw him out of your apartment and told him never to come back. Months since you decided you could finally come back to the cafe where it all began...

You clutch the cup of coffee in your hands a little more tightly, barely feeling the burn of the paper hot against your skin.

Unable to let go.

It’s been nearly half a year.

So why do you still feel that subtle, familiar ache in your chest when you look at him?

At Dazai Osamu?

Your ex-boyfriend...?

It must be the light...

Yes. That has to be it.

Something about the time of day, the way the sunlight streams through those elegant stained glass windows at his side. Bathing his body in the colors of a time long since past...

Right here, right now, the Uzumaki Cafe looks exactly like the way it did on that fateful morning you met him for the very first time.

He’s still wearing that dusty old trench coat with the sleeves rolled up, that softly pressed jet-black vest and those long, white slacks. The gem of the bolo tie around that thin bandaged neck glows like polished tourmaline in the light and as he shifts a little to turn the page, you see a fresh scar arcing across the back of his spindly left hand. His eyes, beautiful and inscrutable beneath those dark, softly curling bangs, don’t leave the page.

As you silently watch from across the cafe, he raises his free hand towards the sugar bowl and picks up a single white cube with a pair of tongs. He drops it into his cup with practiced ease, all the while never looking up from his book.

He always did have such a sweet tooth...

A sweet tooth to go with that sweet smile.

A subtle, bittersweet twinge tugs at your heart, the ache coming from somewhere deeper than the organ beneath your ribs.

He looks exactly the same as he did back then.

Like the picture in your cell phone you couldn’t bear to delete.

Like the man you’d fallen in love with the moment he’d taken your hand with a smile and declared that you were the most beautiful person he had ever met.

Just looking at him brings the memories back...

The memories of the nights you spent at his apartment. The smell of his sweat, the feel of his body moving against yours, the look in his eyes, glowing like burnished gold as he took you in the privacy of his home...

Your heart beats faster.

He was always so good with his hands. Even better with his words.

He would always have a honeyed greeting on his tongue, pleasant words to soothe away your fears as you lay next to him in the twisted, tangled sheets, the air growing colder on your bare skin as the waning moon rose higher in the night sky.

You loved the way he stroked your hair. Loved the pet names he used when the two of you were alone. Loved the way he looked at you when you woke up in his arms in the morning.

The way he smiled when you finally called him, “Osamu.”

His eyes and skin glowed when you saw him then, his dark, tousled hair curling so perfectly about his flushed, sweaty cheekbones when he smiled that you wondered how someone so dazzling could possibly be real.

But he wasn’t, was he?

He drops another cube of sugar into his cup with a soundless splash.

The twinge in your chest grows sharp.

Oh, how he had you fooled.

How could you have known on that bright, promising day?

That he was no hopeless romantic, no light in the darkest of nights?

No.

The man who sat before you countless times in that seat in the corner with a smile on his face and a joke on his lips was nothing more than a jester wearing a mask. A sad, broken, lonely soul whose good humor ran no deeper than the bandages on his wrists. A man who’d jerked away from you the moment you’d asked to see his scars.

And that’s when the spell began to break.

You began to see it.

That he drank too much.

Stayed up too late.

Refused to care for his body and deprived himself of the things he needed in order to keep it going, whether that fuel was food or sleep.

Referred to it as a pretty, empty shell that he’d hoped to leave emptier than it was already.

But you wouldn’t let him.

You loved him too much to let him. Owed him too much to let him.

He was your savior. The man who came to your aid when no others did. The man who saw you when no others would and insisted you were worth more than you could possibly know.

And so you’d tried to take care of him. You did.

You’d sometimes iron his work clothes when he stayed at your place. Threw a blanket over him and kissed him on the cheek when he fell asleep on the couch. Pushed him to eat a proper meal whenever you could and left little memos for him to read so he would know how much he was loved.

But it wasn’t enough.

He still wanted to leave. Even with you in this world, loving him as hard as you could and straining to stay by his side, he still wanted to leave.

Leave and take you with him...

He turns the page of the little red book in his hands.

You bite your lips.

How can he just sit there like that? At the booth you always shared? On the same side he always sat down at, only after he’d seen you settle in across the table from him?

After everything you've been through?

After everything you've both been through?

You bite your lips.

Was he waiting for someone?

And if he was...

You turn away.

You should go before he sees you.

But just as the thought crosses your mind, his bright brown eyes flick upwards towards you, spotting you over the pages of his favorite book. They widen momentarily in recognition.

He drops the book and you turn.

You hear running footsteps. He’s at your side before you can reach the door.

So quick in his thoughts and his movements.

Long, familiar fingers wrap around your wrist. You try to jerk away but he turns you to face him and the moment you see the look in his eyes, you feel your resolve begin to crumble.

“So it was you,” Dazai says, his voice low, “watching me from the counter...”

Of course.

Of course he was aware that you were there. He was aware of everything, wasn’t he? He always was.

“You look well,” he says when you meet his eyes at last. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

A smile slowly creeps onto his face as he inclines his head back towards the booth he’d just vacated.

“You wanna come sit? I’m just taking a little break from work and I could use the company...”

He trails off when he realizes you’re not answering.

He sighs.

Rubs the back of his neck with that freshly scarred hand.

“Guess not, huh?” he mumbles, looking away slightly.

He drops the hand rubbing his neck but doesn’t let go of you.

“Not like I blame you.”

Dazai looks back at you and his smile grows wistful. The familiarity makes the ache in your chest return, sharper than ever.

“Hey...” he says. “I know you probably don't believe me, but I really am sorry about before. I shouldn’t have said all those things I said, or done the things I did. It... it wasn’t fair to you.”

He’s only saying this because he knows these are words you want to hear. Because he’s two steps ahead of you and everyone else in everything that he does.

Because he’s Dazai.

His smile tightens.

“I mean that, you know,” he says, a note of pain sneaking into his voice as those perceptive brown eyes meet yours. “Really, I do. And I’ve missed you.”

Fingers reach up and wind their way into your hair.

“So much.”

He falls silent. Those beautiful amber eyes are sweeping over your face, as if he’s reading you. Reading you the way he was reading his book not two minutes ago.

His lips part and he speaks.

“Hey...”

The fingers around your wrist tighten and twitch.

“Do you think we could try again?” he asks, his voice soft and sweet.

He smooths your hair away from your face and gently caresses your cheek. His eyes seem to sparkle in the light.

“I’ll do better this time. I will. So, please...”

He takes your hand in his and slowly raises it to his lips.

“Give me another chance?”

Presses a burning kiss to your fingers.

“Give us another chance?”

Smiles like he did before. Bright, happy, charming. Like a little lost puppy, begging for a treat.

“Please? I don’t want to be your..."

You hear a subtle break in his voice and you feel a part of you breaking along with it.

“Your ‘ex.’”

You want to shake your head.

You have to.

You know you have to...

It’s a matter of life and death. Literally.

But you can’t.

Just one look into the depths of those sparkling brown eyes, dark and warm--warm like the cup of coffee clutched in your trembling hands. One glance at those softly smiling lips, sweet with sugar and affection, the most endearing of expressions.

One moment to consider a softly spoken word...

Dazai quietly whispers your first name.

And his voice seems to echo in the silence of the empty cafe.

It’s over.

You can’t walk away from him again.

You sigh.

“I’ll think about it...”

#dazai x reader #bsd x reader #dazai osamu #bsd dazai #bsd dazai osamu

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mccnglade · 4 years ago

Text

many reasons; dazai osamu

DAZAI OSAMU X READER

In hindsight, you should have realised that running after Dazai was not a good decision on your part...

WORD COUNT: 1.8K words

WARNINGS: mentions of suicide, abuse (not reader's), angst (if you squint), fluffy ending. MILD SPOILERS FOR BUNGO STRAY DOGS SEASON 3

(e/c) - eye color

A/N: sorry if the formatting is a bit wonky!! i'm posting this on mobile because tumblr doesn't work on my stupid, old laptop.

this fic is really super, self-indulgent because dazai is my favorite in bsd and i love when situations like the one in this one shot happen in anime, so i combined the two things and wrote this. this was actually going be a scene in a dazai fic i'm thinking of posting on my wattpad, but i decided to scrap it and write it as a oneshot. i hope you all enjoy reading this!!

Also shoutout to @neonghxst who wanted me to finish this one shot hehe. thanks to her, i got the inspiration to actually write this and finish it.

"Are you sure we should have left him like that?"

You fiddled with the ends of your coat sleeves. Upon hearing about Atsushi's new case and the end result, you immediately wanted to give the boy a hug and never let him go. He had been through so much these past few weeks and hearing about the death of that abusive headmaster of his old orphanage must have been incredibly painful.

But Dazai had promptly pulled you away, after saying exactly what needed to be said. (He always knew what to say in any kind of situation and that made you feel jealous a lot of times)

"Things like that are meant to be dealt with alone. Atsushi-kun will manage," Dazai answered with a cool tone. "You worry too much, (Y/N)-chan."

He tried to ruffle your hair but you slapped his hand away with a huff.

"I have every right to worry, you know," You crossed your arms, angrily staring at the ground. You and Dazai had already left the port area and now were back in the city, walking next to each other. "He and Kyouka just...I just wanna give them both a hug and adopt them as family."

This time, Dazai successfully managed to ruffle your hair."You are very funny, (Y/N)-chan."

"I'm not being funny! I'll actually adopt them, just you wait and see."

"As amusing as that would be, I'm gonna stop you there."

"Why?"

"Well, it's nighttime now. And we are almost near the river. The moon's pretty bright today. Which means one thing and one thing only."

"What, Dazai?"

"It's the perfect time for a double suicide!"

Dazai suddenly grabbed you by the waist and spun you around. You felt your face grow warmer as he kept his hands on your waist, meanwhile going on about the benefits of a double suicide.

"D-dazai! Let go!" You physically tried to struggle out of his grip, knowing that your Ability was useless in this situation. "Just let go, dumbass!"

"Nope, not gonna."

Dazai let go of your waist, but then immediately grabbed your hand. But you managed to pull it away. He stuck his tongue out at you. "You are no fun, (Y/N)-chan."

You glared at him. "How many times do I have to tell you no, you bandage squandering idiot?!"

"Ahh!! You sound so much like Kunikida-kun! Why didn't you tell me you were so great at impersonating others?"

"Huh?! What's that supposed to mean?" You went to shove his shoulder but he dodged it, jumping aside with his annoying (endearing) laugh. You tried to hit him again, but he dodged this time too and started running.

"Oi, Dazai! Come back here, you idiot!"

You ran too, trying to catch up to him so that you could, at least, flick his forehead before slapping him. Why was he so annoying, you always wondered.

'Isn't this why you like him?' Your heart whispered to you.

'Shut up,' You told it.

You kept on running. Even as you did, the sun had almost set, taking its red and orange hues and replacing it with the dark, navy blue of the night sky. The running brought you to the river bank, a spot where both you and Kunikida had to drag Dazai out of. For some reason, he declared this spot and drowning as his top favorite for a double suicide.

It was incredibly annoying, but at the same time, also incredibly saddening and you wished you knew more about why he was like this.

Finally, you caught up with him.

In hindsight, you should have realised that running after Dazai was not a good decision on your part.

Both of you stumbled down the river bank, holding onto each other because there was nothing else to grab onto. The slant river bank ended and they were on flat ground again.

But...but, both of you were in a rather compromising position.

Usually, you were a pretty confident and self-assured person. But when it came to situations like these (or any romantic situations)…well, you were still pretty inexperienced. So inexperienced actually that you hadn't kissed anyone in a long while, almost two years to be exact. Relationships had always seemed like a waste of time to you, but being in such close proximity of the man you currently yearned for was doing wonders for your heart. (In a good way and a bad away)

Dazai's arms were on your shoulders, pinning you to the ground. He loomed over you, his brown eyes staring right into your (e/c) ones.

You swore you could detect something there before it was hidden behind his mask again.

No longer were you able to keep the warmth away from your face. You knew you probably resembled a tomato right now. You wanted to get out of this position quickly, but deep down, your mind and your heart both resisted. And you felt like agreeing with them this time. You wouldn't get a chance like this ever again.

So you decided to speak.

And immediately regret it.

"Your eyes are pretty," The combined forces of your heart and mind make you say something stupidly embarrassing and you immediately want to cover your face. But you can't. So you continue.

Even the darkness of night couldn't keep the redness of your cheeks hidden.

"I mean, they're not just an ugly brown color. They have this amber-like quality to them. And everytime light hits them, they almost shine and it makes them more beautiful than I ever thought. Like seriously, you have really beautiful eyes. Personally, your eyes are your best feature and they're one of the many reasons I fell for you."

(You wanna crush your own stupid heart for that last bit.)

"Oh?" That was all Dazai said, that stupidly endearing smirk on his face. "Many reasons? What are they again?"

"Um, uh," You hesitated, turning your head to the side. This was more embarrassing than any other situation you had ever been in. There was nowhere else to go and while you could have kicked Dazai away with ease, truth be told you really didn't want to do that. How many chances like this would you ever get? "I don't even know when I started liking you. And maybe it's a stupid thing because nothing is ever going to come out of it, but yeah. I have feelings for you, Dazai Osamu. Truth be told, I can sort of understand why you ask women to commit a double suicide with you. You want someone to be by your side, right? You don't want to be lonely when you die. I guess I can understand that, though I wish I could show you the joy in living. But I don't think I'll ever be able to change your mind."

You laughed nervously, looking anywhere but at Dazai's face, where his smirk had been replaced by a more serious look. "I went on a totally different tangent there, didn't I? You can forget that last bit but to sum up everything, I have feelings for you. I don't expect you to return them anyways so...yeah."

Now, you looked at Dazai. His expression was unreadable. You couldn't understand what emotions were written on his face. You didn't even know what he would do next. Would he reciprocate your feelings? Would he reject them? What would he do? You wanted answers and you weren't getting them.

Then again, it was partly your fault also. You suddenly sprung these feelings on him. You shouldn't expect him to answer quickly.

(Secretly, you also thought that Dazai wasn't the type of person who'd ever truly love someone. It was just your stupid luck he was the person you fell for.)

Unexpectedly, Dazai suddenly moved off you, giving you the opportunity to finally sit up and contemplate your next moves.

'Should I just run away?' You thought, thinking about the pain of rejection. You'd deal with it. Somehow. 'It's the coward's way out. But what more can I do?'

"If you're thinking of running away, don't," Dazai suddenly said, meeting your eyes with a stare so intense that you swore he could read every single thought in your mind.

"That was not what I was thinking," You clearly lied, crossing your arms.

"You know, I can tell that you're lying, my Belladonna," Dazai put his hand on your cheek, his slender fingers brushing away the stray strands of hair on your face. "You are not a very good liar."

"D — wh-what?" You froze up completely. Because as much as you would like to deny, even an action like this left you wanting more. His hands were inexplicably warm and strangely soft. You couldn't even think about running away now. Dazai put his other hand behind your back, pulling you close to him. Close enough that your noses were almost touching and you could see the little flecks of amber in his pretty brown eyes.

"D-do you also h-have feelings f-for me?"

What the hell was wrong with your voice? You wanted to ask your question again, but your words died in your throat.

Instead, your heart chose to speak. You tilted your head slightly, barely brushing your lips against his. Even this small action sent volts of electricity coursing through your body. But then, your courage fizzled out and you tried to move back.

Key word; tried.

Dazai put his hand at the back of your head and pulled you closer, finally, freaking finally, kissing you.

You wished you could describe what you were feeling, but you really couldn't. Your mind was completely shut down and all you could really think was, that you were floating. And since it was your one of the few kisses you had in your life, you didn't know what to do. So you kept on pressing your mouth against Dazai's, trying to have more; trying to feel more of him.

It was strange, it felt so strange. But kissing Dazai felt incredibly…amazing. Yeah, amazing. Just him and you and nothing else. You felt like you could touch the stars now and you didn't want it to end. You wanted to keep on doing this forever, or as long as both of you could.

But then, Dazai suddenly ended the kiss, pulling back with a lazy grin.

You stared at him, breathing heavily. And then, you let your head fall onto his shoulder, grabbing onto to the front of his cream-colored trench coat.

"Does that answer your question, (Y/N)-chan?" He asked with a sing-song voice, suddenly hugging you.

"So you do like me?" Your voice was muffled by his coat, but you knew he heard you clearly.

His lips were pressed onto your neck, moving with his answer. You understood it immediately. Releasing his coat from your hands, you hugged him back.

You knew this moment wouldn't last very long, but you would revel in it for now.

It was going to be the only thing on your mind for a very long time.

a/n: i hope this was a fun read! with this quarantine, i've been thinking of attempting to write more character x readers because they are good practice for writing a multi-chapter fic. so you might see more bsd, haikyuu and bnha content on here. I might also post about DC so let's see.

My wattpad

#dazai osamu #dazai osamu x reader #bsd #bungo stray dogs #osamu dazai #osamu dazai x reader #bsd oneshot #fluff #bungou stray dogs oneshots #bsd imagines #dazai #x reader #character x reader

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xo-cuteplosion-xo · 4 years ago

Text

The Ending of The Everlasting Sun.

Soukoku angst: will have 2 parts, one is Chuuya pov another is Dazai pov (Dazai is part 1 aka this piece. I'll start chuuya's tomorrow)

I’ll do a version for Dazai after (not pov but version so Chuuya can have the dose of Dazai’s pain T_T).

Warnings: Death, gore, violence, angst with just more angst. (idk if i consider dazai ooc but towards the end is mostly how i feel the situation would happen, so kinda ooc)

TBH, I don't know why I wrote this but hey I love feeding peeps and myself angst so, here you go.

The Ending of The Everlasting Sun. | A Soukoku Angst one-shot |

words: 4264

Dazai’s pov- (it swaps between third and first. I know my writing style is weird af)

The sun, a forever gleaming light in life. They say even in death, the sun won’t fade from your view. For light, something that brings reason to a life so pitched in black is everlasting. There is a place that resides within a person the sun that will never leave. Like the memories that one left behind shall forever hold. Memories will not fade, even as the deceased are placed within mounds of dirt, their body left to neatly decompose.

They say it is natural to feel your heart so heavy. To feel so pained when death washes over. Death can change a human, they say, death is rebirth, something shall always come from it. In some ways, Dazai knew the truth of such words. For he’s experienced the death of his light. At least he had thought the brunette, who’d stuck by his suicidal tendencies, his cruel ways, he thought that man had been the light. He had changed, he’d moved on into the light of this world. His heart may still be shadowed in the darkness the mafia left. The memories of those he left may never leave, but he was in the light. He was the light for another now. Still, dark himself, he’d help lead his news pupil to the light. He repeated this so often, yet why, why did his mind travel back to those days, the days when he was alongside that small ginger boy? The boy with anger issues could be heard a mile away, was he important? Why must he feel as if he left behind something important when he’d listened to a friend's dying wish? Surely he was better off now? He felt better, life wasn’t as black or as unlit as it had once been. So why? Why was it always that ginger that popped into his head on those restless nights? He worried so much if he was okay. If he was out there using that uncontrollable side without him. Ever since he left, he’d worried that ginger would do something as stupid as that. So maybe, just maybe, this world had blessed him with two lights. A light to change, that light had left him to save him. Then the second light, the light that showed him he could love and be loved. This world could take both lights to make such a realization, and eventually, this world, so cruel and dark would. Not by fate, but by the hand of an enemy who sought out Dazai’s weakness.

I stood beneath pelting rain, my mind held within it one thought, where was he? Never had the small boy I'd fallen for in my early teens missed a chance to torment me as I had tormented him. Never had he let the phone, to which we still held each other's numbers unblocked, reach the full number of rings before the voicemail kicked in. I had never felt this before. Nor had I the courage to admit such a thing. For feelings were only a danger to men like myself. I am undoubtedly cruel. Even now, in my early twenties, I stand beneath the rain alone. The mistakes of my past hanging over me for somebody to eventually discover. The past profession I had tried to hide and had hidden well for many years was creeping to my heels. The man whom I'd sought help from was gone, his final words my reason to be in the light. If neither side means anything, he told me to help the defenseless, to help the orphans. That is what I did. I left behind the ginger-haired boy whom, I now say with hesitance, I loved. It is a fine point that I was able to decline such things until after I left the mafia, for otherwise, I may have tried to do good whilst in the mafia, so I could stay with my final light within my life. Many have shed their light on me. The orphan I took in has shocked me many times, reading me in a way I thought only Oda, my extinguished light, could. He knew I was mourning that past friend when he found me at his grave. He continues to shock me to this day, the only one who can occasionally see past the mask I've worn since I was 14, since Mori found me. Kunikida has taught me responsibility and morals. There is still a bottle of things I shall never change. Some people can’t change. My mind prevents me from collecting such information about being human. My ability says it all, does it not? It is a perfect description of myself. The intelligence I share with Dostoevsky is merely one of the many things that keep me behind the wall of change. I may do things for another reason, but I am still a shadow over the people around me. I curse them all, I have brought heavy burdens onto the agency, I harm all of those around me. Love is a feeling I'm incapable of. At least, I can not recognize true love, only conclude that is what this pain is. It is a pain like no other, it is not physical, but no sense of being can push away the tangent throb of every beat. It is my mind, and the way I was brought up so young, that initially warped me beyond repair. That is why I am here, running in the rain despite my coworkers protesting to stop me.

Dazai understood the trap he was headed for, but he knew the trap would result in a fatality either way. If it was his death that waited for him, then he was alright with that. If it was painless, and he died a quick death before his mouth could run to say final bidding words to Chuuya, then he’d die. If this taunt was to break him, if he were to be late, he would drop to his knees and beg his old friend, who lay watching over him, to be forgiven for his actions tonight. If some awful being really did oversee this world, let it give Dazai one moment of peace. Let him have one good light stay until he is gone. He couldn’t do it again, the pain of holding a bloodied body within his arms, it would be hell. He knew not of true mourning, the pain of losing the one, who in a storybook, could be considered a soulmate. He knew it, others knew it, so many people knew the way he stared at Chuuya was not a friendly matter. There was lust within his soft chocolate hues, a hidden cave behind closed doors. Secret thoughts hidden in his mind. The things he wished he could have done before he left, the way he wanted to fix things, to regain what he had lost by leaving the mafia.

With every soft patter, Dazai flew between streets and yards. With every step, he grew closer and closer. With every new step, he felt his heart sink. For the area around was brittle and frail. The ground was crushed and indented. Some buildings lay in tattered pieces. Holes the size of beds lay stretched in the buildings and grass. The worst began to form in his head as his legs picked up into a pace he thought he could never take into. His lungs burned with the inhaled drips of water that turned to flames within his lungs. He pushed past the pain, the burn, the tired flail of limbs. His legs grew numb, but he refused to stop until his arms were flying open doors to a building that looked so horribly damaged.

As if I were the show that night, I could remember the lights. My lungs felt like fire, and my legs were ready to buckle beneath my frail body. I had not eaten a proper meal for weeks, my pockets empty from money spent to cover the scars I had littered my body with. The night is a haze within my mind. An unwilling nightmare I wish to set aside and to never look at again. A night I wish could be rewritten. It was a night that even I had thought the same way as Destoveski. My mind was no longer set right, that side of me to which was feared, had ripped from its confines and torn through to confine me to my own mind. I had truly wanted to tear a sheet from the book spoken about so much in this little town of Yokohama. If it meant my lights could come back and this world could change, then I would, I would do it without a blink. I’d make myself the villain to free my light. I would do it for the right reasons. Yet, I could never ruin the lights of others. There would be too many sacrifices to do such a thing at that moment. To this day, I curse myself for thinking like that man, thinking about such things would make me like him. Dostoevsky was no man I wanted to be.

The light pulsed for a moment before illuminating the room in a sharp glow of white. Dazai stood blinded before the room came into focus, the empty space warm in comparison to the pelting rain. For a moment, the world had paused, allowing his mind to make a sharp halt and think. Though his thoughts were not something he wished to hear. The thoughts inside his head screamed an equal verse to the night he’d lost Oda. He had no more time to pause, as soon as he’d adjusted to the blaring lights, he was scanning the room, finding the spots of blood, the corpses littered on the ground. Then, he was running against his will again. The next thing he knew, he was diving forward too quickly brush against the ginger, who’d consumed his thoughts since they reunited all that time ago.

The first thoughts I had when I felt the cloth of his jacket, the same one I had sown hat-rack into when we were 15, were thoughts of panic. I was always the type of man who wore a mask, but that mask only masked my depression. I yearned for death, I lived to be human, and that feeling you have right as you fall victim to death may be my only chance at life. My co-workers were never worried about me. At first, I had shocked them. I remember the way Kunikida halted with his trust, how on my first job he watched me with a hawk's eye. Never once did I not feel the burning gaze of his judgment. I never blamed him, I was a man with an erased past. There was nothing to tell whether I was good or evil. The day I entered the agency, I would have said I was that darker gray that wisps on the side of black. Today, I would tell you I wanted to be the light, to be good, but I am far from it. It shall always be my nature to look up into another and dive within their soul. My hands are skilled in ways of torture. I could shoot down an enemy with my eyes closed. These pieces of me still exist, even though I had locked them to the confine of my mind, a faraway nightmare that haunted me. The faces of the victims who plead because they had family, haunt me. It’s not remorse I feel, it’s a haunting reminder that I shall never see that friend again. When I die, I shall not meet him in the afterlife, if there is one at all. I like to believe that one can look up and think there is such a place. These thoughts, wishes, all suddenly reappeared the moment his body fell to the floor. Yet, even coated in his own blood, his breathing so unsteady I feared he was only a few breaths from death, he remained beautiful. How could I, a genius strategist with an inhumane IQ, let this happen? Why had I not called him, this ginger, ocean-eyed slug? Chuuya, he’d always be those names to me. I still wonder why we call each other such things, but it makes us both feel alive. With him, I could act like a child, as I never had a true chance to be a child. Even now, if I could muster up the courage as I write, I'd twist the narrative so it looked as if I did not care. If I did that, I would dishonor the words we had shared that night.

Dazai rushed over the pavement to grab hold of Chuuya. His hands sliding over the boy's body to pull him over his lap. His eyes are a sea of worry and panic. One of his hands grabbed the boy’s wrist lightly, his pulse was so slow, his eyes were already slowly dropping, but Dazai stayed confident. “Hey Chibi, you’re an idiot.”

The frail form of the boy beneath him cracked a small smile. “You’re the idiot you- his body racked itself with a spurt of coughs, his lips dripping crimson to join the stains on his perfectly pale skin.- d-damn mackerel.”

Dazai dropped the boy's wrist with a chuckle, pressing his hand to the boy's lips. “Yeah, I know Chibi, I know. - The ginger's eyes began to flutter shut.- No Chibi, your eyes have to stay open. Look, I've got people coming to fix you up. So just try to keep yourself awake.” Dazai’s hand moved to cup the other's cheek. “You’ll be okay.”

Chuuya’s breath staggered a wheeze interrupting the shallow breaths he’d been going through. “I’m dying, aren't I?”

Dazai shook his head, feeling his chest sting with the familiar pain of grief. As if somebody took a microscope over the feeling, it continued to grow. By now, he was sure the pain exceeded the total amount of grief he’d gone through with Oda’s passing. “No Chibi, you’re not… you're not dying.” He paused in that sentence looking down at Chuuya, who laughed dryly.

“So fucking optimistic.” They sat in silence, and Chuuya's eyes fixed on Dazai. Though it was unnoticed by Dazai, his clouded tired eyes were on his lips. He was taking into memory the parts of wishes he’d never get. Every passing second, Chuuya felt his eyes threaten to drip shut. He was trying to listen to Dazai, but his eyes were bricks; sleep a melody that sang to him. With the fear of never waking up again, Chuuya lifted his hand from his side to reach Dazai’s cheek, his blood leaving a mark. “Hey, Dazai.” His voice lacked anything but sincerity.

“No Chuuya. No, you’re okay! Just a few more minutes and Yosano will be here! Fuck, just stop moving, keep your eyes open, keep breathing because you’re alright.” Chuuya had never seen Dazai act like this before. So as Dazai’s hand warmly wrapped around his, his head pressing into the cold touch of Chuuya’s, words were spoken.

“Dazai, I. Never. H-hated… you. I. lov-” before those words could finish, his body was shaking. Tears were forming, he was still conscious and very much alive, but his entire system of organs and cells were rejecting him. The use of corruption had been at its limit long before Dazai had touched him. Before his ability had been canceled out, he was beyond death. The way he coughed his hands, flailing out to grab Dazai’s shirt and press their bodies together, made even Dazai emotional. Dazai managed to still the boy's movements. His eyes half-open as he tried to hold onto whatever string was left. “Lo-” this time he was cut off by Dazai’s hand. His head shaking, hearing Chuuya speak would make this far too real.

He wasn’t ready to let him go. For the first time, he wanted to be far from death, far from the pain and suffering of humankind. So as Chuuya smiled and looked to the ceiling, his hand continued to stroke Dazai’s cheek. A reminder he was still alive.

That moment ended all too quickly when Chuuya took a final staggered breath and looked to Dazai. “Loved you.” He finished his sentence before his eyes dropped shut. His hand slipped into a limp state within Dazai’s hold.

It took the brunette no time to jump to compressions. He continuously screamed. A voice that had never once mourned, or shed a tear, now sat in a contorted expression between agony and doubt. His mind was static, for the first time nothing clear could form within his head. He shrieked out for Chuuya. Open your eyes, he had chanted and begged before he no longer had the strength to continue. He simply fell on top of Chuuya, his ear to his chest praying to hear a soft thud. Three minutes passed before his body, devoid of any, and everything was yanked away. Had he been shown a mirror, one would not have recognized Dazai. His clothes were bloodied, his hair disheveled and wet from the rain he’d run in only a handful of minutes ago.

Dazai sat numbly as his co-workers looked around trying to find if there was any danger left. When the scene was clear and Yosano made the final statement, the world truly crumbled. Still, despite having started CPR and rescue breaths, despite having felt the cooling touch of his skin, Dazai had held onto the hope that Yosano would fix this. He watched as she put on a work face. Her heels clicked across the ground as she walked over to Dazai with a doctor's approach, not a friend's approach. She bent before Dazai and began to speak. “Dazai, I need you to focus your eyes on me, alright?” Dazai could read her mind like an open book. His mind, in his numb state, had returned to his 17-year-old self. Devoid of any real feeling, bent on causing pain and suffering. He tilted his head like that child-self would in this situation. For once, he genuinely felt human. “I understand you were close to Nakahara-san. You were also here at the scene. It’s with much regret-” before she could finish, Dazai’s eyes grew cold and clouded, his lips a snarl as he shoved her.

“He’s okay! Chuuya is okay, he’ll wake up! He always does, even when I have to change things in a second advance because I fucked up. He's okay! We’re soukoku, double black. We can’t be put down. We’re partners, we need each other." even Yosano froze at the sudden outburst. The way Dazai cried without realizing the tears were falling. The way he tried to look happy as if he hadn’t watched Chuuya die within his arms. “Right… he’s okay right?” Dazai hardly knew what he was saying, his head foggy, his mind trying to stay collected.

If one could compare him to anything, one would say that moment he'd looked like a child, no older than fourteen, who’d watched a death before their eyes. Yosano collected herself before shaking her head. She decided to take the approach she’d have with a child instead of an adult. For in this moment, Dazai was experiencing what one could call his first-ever truly emotional loss. This was the first time his mind was catching up with him. “Dazai, Chuuya cared very much for you. You know that right?”

Dazai seemed to calm slightly at the thought as he focused on Yosano. “Yeah, he loved me… he said he loved me.” Suddenly, the situation became worse than she’d thought.

“Mhm, and you loved him too?” Dazai took his time to slowly nod before gulping and shrinking down.

“And now… he’s not coming home. No more loud, annoying comments. No more nights at the bar…” Dazai’s voice choked before the sounds of more footsteps followed in.

A high-pitched female voice screamed in a shrieking roar. “Where is he!” Dazai knew that voice. Kouyo, his Ane-san. At least, at one point she’d been his Ane-san. But his eyes stopped looking at Yosano and instead took a glimpse at Chuuya, whose corpse still lay there.

Once more, Dazai’s emotions took control, and he placed his hands over his eyes and shut himself away. Yosano swore under her breath and stood up. “Which one is he?” Yosano stood up rather angrily. She disliked her conversations being so rudely interrupted, even if it were somebody she had a small connection with.

“Chuuya…” the red-haired female stormed over before spotting Dazai first. His body cradled in like a child. A position she’d never seen him in. Her heart could only lurch to the worst. Hesitantly, she looked off to the side and saw it. The bloodied corpse. She spent no more time looking, she couldn’t.

She shoved Yosano away from Dazai, a boy she had once helped to look after and almost raise. Though she resented the boy for abandoning his role as an executive, she knew how much the pair had been connected. So she’d be a mother or older sister for a bit. Something Dazai had never seemed to have. “Dazai, it’s Kouyo, can you look at me? I just wanna make sure you’re alright.”

Dazai peeked from his arms, sniffing in his delirious state as he lunged towards her. Not in a hostile way, but an embrace. Something he never thought he’d need. He felt so human, so alive, but at the same time, he felt so dead inside. He felt as if his life had been torn and replaced within seconds. This feeling he couldn’t place a name on. “I was too late… I couldn’t, and now he’s and I… it’s all my-'' Kouyo was quick to shut him down, muffling her own sobs as she rocked Dazai in her arms.

“Hush child, these things happen. The fault is never that you could not make it in time. The fault lies within the bastard who did this. He always took extremes to protect you, Dazai. So hush now, let yourself grieve.” There was a slight pause as the agency starred in shock. This woman, who most of them knew as a vengeful woman with no remorse, sat cradling a grown man from an opposing organization as if he were her child, no more like an older sister cradling a younger brother. “Dazai, I won’t criticize your reaction, I've seen it many times in the mafia. Little children who witness death at such a young age think they are immune to it. They find another blame or they say they are monsters. You were 14 when Mori took you in. You never had somebody to teach you to grieve. You never needed to, not until now. So listen to me child, you’re going to let it all out, the years of pain and suffering, the years of grief for lost friends, even I have cried in my life. Nobody is immune to pain, some of us just think we are.” As Kouyo spoke, she noted Dazai’s breathing reached a slowing point. He was fast asleep before she finished her words. Her touch was gentle as she brushed a lock of his hair behind his ears.

Next, she walked over to Chuuya and hung her head, murmuring words of mourning. She walked off quickly, but came back moments later with his hat. “He’d want somebody to have it.” Yosano stood beside Kouyo, who choked back her own tears.

“I think it should go to Dazai. He always mocked his hats, even though he loved seeing Chuuya in them. They really were meant for each other. It’s unfortunate such a great pair ended up… in a life like this. Perhaps they will be reborn in an era where they are nothing but students who fall in love. I like to think there is always a second chance for lives that end too short.”

With a nod, they both looked to Dazai, who looked at peace sleeping on the ground.

When I woke up that day after, I could hardly remember anything. I had lost myself completely to the side that was human. I truly did try to live on, but it was difficult. No matter where I looked, I could see his laugh, I hated it. The pain that constantly wrapped around me. Hence, why I sit here with a pen. I never took myself to write my thoughts down. Oda had once ruminated about being a reader, he died before he ever could. I miss them both. I say that, but when I look down at the tear-stained paper, so many of them were for Chuuya. A love I never got to kiss or truly love. Today, I will not wake up. I no longer care about things like making my death overly complex and comfortable. I shall go to sleep with Chuuya’s hat at my side. I shall die with him at my side. That is how it should have been. Chuuya should have lived that night. I shall never know what sparked him to use corruption without me there. All I know is the worst person in the world, Destovesky, who now lay in a ditch from my own pistol, threatened the ginger to such an extent he felt the need to use it. In a way, I have solved several problems with one action. I killed the criminal, and I'm killing the single person whose blood runs more mafia black than any other.

Tag list If you want to be added when I upload fics/HC etc., just shoot me an ask: @jadegreenimmortality

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masked-buffoon · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter 4: To exist (Part 6)

Warnings: mention of drugs

Author notes: debate about how I depicted Yōko’s condition in the 4th part is opened! More seriously, this is one long part, but I hope you’ll like it. To be honest, that part was the one which made me so nervous about the chapter... Don’t hesitate to give me your opinion! Also, I realised I liked reblogs too! ^^

It was night when I woke up. The first thing I noticed in the darkness was the thing pressed onto my face. An oxygen mask. It was not there before. Had my body tried to give up on me again? After all, I was not supposed to be alive... And Lord was I thirsty. The tips of my fingers moved and I looked for the pager to call the nurse, who fortunately was never far from the infirmary. She turned on a small light and came to the side of my bed. I pointed to the breathing machine.

"Your oxygen saturation suddenly dropped while you were sleeping… Your body still needs to recover from the overdose, after all... Not to mention that nasty pneumonia… Hopefully, you are fine." She explained.

"I..." My voice was husky, but I could talk "What…?"

Morphine overdose…? Pneumonia…? What about my ability…?

"I'll bring you some water." She smiled "You are recovering just fine. Your body is trying to hold on."

I requested to sit up by myself, and slowly raised my back from the mattress to take the cup of water in my shaking hands. Feebly, I brought it to my mouth, and drank, absolutely relishing in the sensation of hydration.

"That's good." She complimented me "You should have some rest now."

"Wait…" I still had some trouble breathing "What exactly… What exactly killed me…?"

"Although it is clear your ability made you suffer, Ogawa-san, the thing that almost took your life today was morphine…" She sighed "And I even told you to be careful…"

"I don't understand…"

"It caused a severe respiratory depression." She explained "It means you could not breathe anymore, which made your oxygen saturation drop tremendously…"

"But… My headache… My fatigue… The pain… The coughing, even…!"

"Muscle pains and intracranial hypertension — your headache — are after effects of morphine. The fact you could not sleep first caused your headache, of course, but also made you weak, which is why you somehow caught pneumonia. That explains the coughing. As I said, we can't deny your ability was highly involved, but all that pain was increased by the drug." She explained "Only, you were never diagnosed because… You would never come for anything other than being stitched up like a ragged cloth…"

"... I see…" I looked down "I see…"

"Ogawa-san…" She took my hand into her "It isn't your fault…"

"No, indeed… I… I was just stupid… I caused this… I'm such a fool…"

Tears fell onto the sheets but I did not mind. All that pain… I had inflicted it myself.

"And… Dazai-san..." I exhaled "Is he... Is he alright...?"

The few words and reactions I could have witnessed when being awake had clearly indicated he did feel some guilt, inside. I did not want him to think it was his fault I was dying; it was all just a mistake I had committed.

"That stubborn child refused to leave..." She sighed "He constantly kept an eye on you and was the first one to notice the drop of your saturation. I... Think this accident made him reflect on himself."

"I don't know..." I looked down, only to finally notice he was still there, asleep with his head on the bed.

"That's only my opinion..." The nurse shrugged "He never let go of you, fearing you would wake up if his ability did not cancel yours."

"It's untrue..." I refused to believe it "He... He doesn't care... He is just putting on an act... As soon as I get better, he will... Again..."

Just imagining him beating me up again was enough to stress me out, and the monitor's rhythm increased with my heartbeat. Waking him up.

"Nurse, there is a —"

He saw me, and did not finish his sentence.

"You must calm down..." The nurse advised, laying me back "We will talk it out after your recovery. For now, you must not be anxious about anything."

"What's the point in recovering if I have to come back after...?" I murmured.

"What's going on...?" My superior looked at the nurse.

"Nothing you should care about for the moment. But, understand her nervousness... And I share her concern. Why are you suddenly nice toward Ogawa-san?" She frowned "It is not my business, but the bruises I wrapped up for her speak for themselves."

"... My hand must have slipped while I was dozing off..." He dodged the matter "I'll cancel your ability again, Ogawa-kun."

"Why...?" I avoided his touch "Why now? Why are you even here? What are you trying to make me believe?"

"... Is that how you see me? A liar...?" He looked upset.

"Not a liar. A puppeteer." I confessed, sincerely terrified "I can't understand what you think... I can only think about your ulterior motives, always, always... I am afraid of being played with..."

"I've never tried to manipulate your feelings to gain your loyalty..." He defended.

"Stop this nonsense, please… Manipulating… You do that all too well…! You do that all the time…"

"Ogawa-kun… Not with you…"

"Why did you praise me so randomly once, just to beat the crap out of me the next day, then?" I started sobbing "I don't understand... Do you just hate me...?"

"I don't hate you...! Obviously I don't hate you..."

"Then, am I too weak...?"

"That's not it..."

The nurse had left, most certainly to let us talk alone.

"What is it, then? Are you just bipolar...?! Or am I insane...?"

"I just wanted to train you... I wanted to make you stronger so you did not die... I honestly never noticed I was the one killing you." Dazai-san lowered his head "It's embarrassing, but I did not know about your pain, about your addiction... Until yesterday. Am I not a useless executive...? Had I done something… Had I done something, perhaps you never would have ended in such a state."

"... Right now..." I gripped onto the sheets "I am not sure whether you are acting or being sincere... I'm sorry, Dazai-san..."

"I don't want you to die!" He said, more willingly "I don't want you to die... Being tough and merciless was the actual act... I wanted you to grow accustomed to the Mafia... I wanted you to cast away your emotions, not to be morally struggling with decisions... I wanted to toughen you up, so you would resist against the enemies, so you would be mentally strong... But the only thing I managed to create was a machine, expert in torture and assassination, who does the job without a glance behind, who sheds blood with no hesitation, who looks down on pain... In a way, I obtained what I wanted, but... It isn't you. It isn't the girl who cried for attention that I first met. When I look at you and see fear, hatred, disgust and resentment in your eyes, I can't help thinking I did something wrong... But I could not understand what... Until you told me you wanted me to kill you. At this moment, I knew that nothing I had attempted with you would work. I've recently come to realise I was only hurting you... Forcefully making you face such violence, trying to mould you into the perfect subordinate... I have to admit it was a mistake. I can't believe I am the one who turned off that flickering yet bright flame of life in your eyes, whereas... Whereas it shone so warmly..."

It was understandable that someone who yearned to end his life would be fascinated by someone willing to live. That I was the one he was drawn to, however, was surprising. His words made me doubt as well. Indeed, since when had I become such a cold-hearted person? Since when had I killed without even a thought for the victim? Since when had I looked so eagerly for the worst methods of torture? I suddenly remembered how reluctant I had been to join the Port Mafia, how I had pretended to prefer dying... Since when had I lost my will to stay alive?

"You always repeat that the weak must die… I am weak, then why won't you let me leave? I questioned, curtly.

"Because... Because I want you to fetch me a cup of coffee, I want you to classify the paperwork for me...!" He sounded like a child about to throw a tantrum "The office... It felt less empty with you inside..."

"Now, you're just being difficult…" I looked away "I want to believe you, Dazai-san, I really want to. However… You've so often changed your mind and I am tired. I can't afford to be deceived anymore… I don't want to be disappointed in someone anymore…"

"... I know..." Dazai-san's eyes focused on his feet "I understand... It leaves an empty hole in your chest, you don't know what to think anymore... I know that... I didn't think I would make you feel that way, nonetheless..."

"You... You understand my point...?" I frowned.

"Of course... People are never what they seem. You, for example, look strong, determined, yet you are so sick you could die at any moment. People tell sweet lies in front of you, yet curse you when you are not looking. I know that..." He chuckled bitterly "Perhaps the problem comes from me... Perhaps am I a failure of a human being, tired of living, but mostly —"

"Afraid of your fellows…" I stared at him, finally understanding "You're afraid of us… And you don't know how to behave around me… That's why you seem so lunatic…"

"Do you hate me for that...? No, such a question... It is obvious you would hate me..."

"I've already told you… There are many people who do that better than me…" I paused to catch my breath "I don't hate you, Dazai-san. In fact, I pity you… And I feel… A bit stupid…"

I had believed Dazai-san was purposely rough and contemptuous toward me, because he did not like me, because I was too weak, because I was worthless. In fact... In fact, whereas he did not like me, he did not loathe me either, and that alone was enough to appease me. There was some place for me by his side, as a subordinate. I could keep serving him, obeying his commands, and he would not mind. If only I would not die... I could have strived to understand the pain gnawing at him from the inside, I could have tried to comprehend his feelings, instead of detesting him as I had done. At the very least, toughening me up had permitted me to survive in the cruel world of darkness the Port Mafia belonged to.

"What you did was undeniably wrong… You can't teach one if you use violence… Hitting me, abusing me, harassing me… Nothing can ever erase this fact… If I cannot forget, then, at least, I can try to forgive. You are the reason I survived so far, and for that I am grateful."

"You shouldn't be grateful that I treated you so brutally..."

"To be honest…" I recalled my time by his side, not without a tinge of bitterness "I really wanted to strive, to be a proper subordinate, worthy of being the protege of the infamous Demon Prodigy's… I guess I wanted to be useful, somehow, for once in my life. I wanted to exist, to be acknowledged as a human being. You did that, though… You treated me as a human being, although it was not ideal. You did not ignore me, at least. Thank you, Dazai-san, for making me feel alive, even if it was short."

"I don't deserve your thanks… But you're welcome…" He avoided my look.

"What are you afraid of? From me, I mean?"

"Huh…?"

"What could I do to harm you? What could I say to hurt you? Scheming against you? You would find out immediately. Talking behind your back? Many people do that. Besides, I've always been honest about you; I can't stand you. Well, I couldn't…" I mumbled "So… Why?"

"Why, indeed… It's not just about you…"

"I know… I'm not asking you to trust me… I just want to know that, if you need a loyal subordinate, you have one."

"Ogawa-kun… You can't mean it, not after everything I've done…"

"Oh but I do mean it. It is my way to redeem myself, too."

"... What do you mean…?"

I avoided his eyes for a moment, strangely unable to face the inquisitive and somewhat hopeful expression he wore. Why did he have to look so childish? So harmless? Although… He had not always acted like a cold adult man… All the times he had bickered with Nakahara-san, all the times he had dropped the mask of toughness to smile at me, even faintly, and that one time he had sounded relieved when I had recovered from the wounds inflicted by Gustavo Cosola… In fact, I had never paid attention to him, despite the warning Oda-san had given me. I did not understand him, nor did I know him. Dazai-san had troubles and I had forgotten that under the armour of the Demon Prodigy was hidden a small, terrified sixteen years old child, who strangely resembled me. Behind a wall of mercilessness, we were just teenagers who had grown up too quickly and had been thrown without concern in a world of adults, forced to become adults ourselves and to carry the immense burden of death upon our shoulders.

"I was too selfish…" I muttered "Too centered on myself. I did not see that it wasn't easy for you either…"

"Ogawa-kun…" He sighed "I have to confess something, since you're honest with me; everything I did was to train you… But I would lie if I said I never took my frustration out on you. On bad days, or only to hide my weakness, I beat you up without caring about your improvement. The light that shone in your eyes… Yes, there were times I wanted to turn it off. How dared you hold onto life? How could you believe in tomorrow? Break, cry, fall into despair or die being worthless, these were my actual thoughts."

"What do you hope to achieve by telling this to me?" I asked simply.

"I wanted to see if you would loathe me, now."

"Dazai-san… I knew all that. I mean, it was obvious you had some stress to let out." I tilted my head "The only thing I really resent you for is not teaching me to control my ability properly… For the rest… Now that I am going to die, anyway, there is no point in holding a grudge against you. I'd rather leave peacefully…"

"But I don't want you to leave…" A sort of pout formed on his lips "I don't want to lose you…"

"Losing me…?" I huffed, amused "I am not a toy for you to play with… I can't be lost. Besides, you merely need me to serve as furniture for your office. I may have given you my loyalty, Dazai-san, but I haven't given up on my pride as a human being. Do remember that, please."

He sighed. Heavily. Was he annoyed? Was he tired of me?

"I am ready to take my responsibilities. Weak people die, but you don't belong to them. You are my subordinate and you know I don't allow my men to be weak." He stood up, crossing his arms "You won't die, because I decided so."

"My body is in no state to fight…" I argued "I have pneumonia and I am a morphine addict. I can't sleep and my immune system has already collapsed a long time ago. What do you expect me to do? Besides, you have another protege… From what I heard, he is much more useful than me."

"I expect you to recover." He faced me, the usual Port Mafia executive replacing the distressed child "And, about Akutagawa-kun… He has no idea what his ability is made for, don't compare the two of you. You two have different strengths."

"But he succeeds where I am powerless." I stated "He —"

"He is a blade without a sheath. I need to control him in order to make him the most powerful ability user of the Port Mafia. When that day comes, he will be, without a doubt, the organisation's greatest asset. For now, however, he is nothing but an untamed dog."

"Dazai-san… You hate dogs…" I remarked, feeling sorry for Akutagawa-kun.

"What you lack in physical strength, you compensate with that." He pressed a finger to my forehead without paying attention to my words "You learnt what I taught you, what I could never teach him. That is why you are a valuable subordinate in my squadron, because I can trust your wit, because I know that you are able to replace me."

"I could never, Dazai-san…!" I protested "I am nowhere near you…!"

"That's right. But you are above the others, and that is all that matters. You can lead in my stead if needed. Mmh, it's actually better to keep you alive." He seemed to think aloud "There are more pros than cons…"

"I am not a tool…" I reminded him, vexed.

"No, you are my subordinate." He agreed.

In his mouth, it did not sound too different…

"Oh~ It could be interesting, giving you Yamada-san's seat…~" He mumbled, walking around the bed in deep thought "But then you couldn't be on the field anymore… What to do~? I want to see that idiot's disappointed face…~"

"What does it matter, anyway? Can I even fight again with that body? Just give me paperwork if all you need is my brain…" I groaned.

"You will fight again." He declared "Why couldn't you? Just rest and take your treatment. It is a matter of time before you are physically back on your feet, anyway. And give up on morphine; I'll grant you sleep from now on."

"Dazai-san!" I burst, unable to hold it in any longer "Did… Did you even pay attention when we were talking…? Were you even sincere…?!"

His fist hit the wall, suddenly, and I jumped in fear. I had given him my loyalty, I had been honest with him… Had he manipulated me again…? He did not move. His back was toward me. I was about to say something when a small detail caught my attention. His hand, the one that had punched the wall, was trembling. He let it fall to his side.

"You must be useful…" He hissed between his teeth "I have to find some use in you, even while you are recovering…"

The bandage covering his skin was slowly reddening as he muttered incoherent words and I sighed. I understood, although too late again.

"There is… There is a position I can occupy, even in this bed…" I spoke, breaking the uncomfortable silence "If my presence serves a purpose, the Port Mafia won't need to get rid of me."

"What is it…?" He slowly turned around.

"I believe a lieutenant is still missing in your squadron, Dazai-san. Until I recover, I could lead the men from afar and take care of lower missions for you. Then, once I am better and able to fight, I can accompany them directly." I suggested "Besides, it will drastically decrease your paperwork… Which is at your advantage, isn't it?"

I cracked a small smile and waited for his response. He really did not want me to die, that I was sure of. However, the organisation did not care about damaged goods. If I did not prove myself to be more than a disposable pawn, an order to abandon me would be given, forcing my superior to either eliminate me or let me rot somewhere. In both cases, I would die.

"A lieutenant… It is true that I don't have that." He held his chin a second "Very well, I shall promote you. After all, I never got to reward you properly for your contribution to the fight against the Sicilian Mafia."

He gave me an understanding smirk, and I nodded, accepting the offer.

"Thank you, Dazai-san. I will strive not to disappoint you."

"Good. Take a week off for your initial recovery, then I will send the first piles of paperwork to you."

"Thank you for your consideration."

"Also… Odasaku may or may not visit you later… I remember he knows a cheap yet clean place not far from the headquarters." He added, heading toward the door "Ask him about it, I'm sure he'll be glad to answer you. Dust is bad for your lungs."

I chuckled once he exited the infirmary, and laid back on the bed. There I was, alive, already impatient to discover the paperwork he had promised. It was a good feeling, breathing, even if I still felt uncomfortable. I did not want to die anymore. There were still things I needed to do and a superior somehow counting on me. I could not let him down… And I wanted to see the sun set on Yokohama once again.

It was wonderful to exist again.

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